Lost

2005-02-28T18:53:00.000-06:00

A million voices are in my head. The sounds of a million people and the picture of a million images all melted into one spot of my mind. I hear the echoes of the millions of times I screwed up my life, so I fight to bring forth the good sweet memories that make me smile. I shake my head trying to sort a lot of the craziness in my mind out. I have no urge to get any thing done.

Earlier today I had to sit between Chris and Bradley as we drove home after school. They both smoke, they are both overweight, and they are both disgusting perverts. To sit between them was humiliating and embarrassing, because of their demeanor. They weren’t really that humiliating, but the smoke, the cussing, and their topics of discussion made me feel irritable. I simply wanted to go home.

On the way, I thought of the main things I must accomplish. Between theatre and choir, it gets complicated, having to plan dates and make sure all our events are carried through. I know what I want to do for the Chicago show and I know how I want to carry out Thespian Idol.

However, things went differently when I got home. I began by putting up clothes, and then I….well….I sat down. My motivation was gone. Oh well. But, what came was the loneliness as I sat there. I was literally alone because Chris left to go back to work. I walked around the house realizing no one was around, and then it hit me. This demonized feeling; an awful urge that I don’t know how to explain. All I know is my attitude change, my heart rate excelled, and everything around me was empty. I ran to my room, scrambled to put a movie in the DVD player and when it finally loaded I turned the volume all the way up. But it didn’t work; it failed to keep my attention. I quickly started to search for something to get my mind steady and normal, but nothing I found could help. I saw the drum set and I made my way to it. I picked up the sticks and beat the crap out of those drums. My adrenaline slowed and my brain calmed down. I made rhythms and sang a song while playing. It was,

“Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy is the Lord,
God Almighty
Worthy to receive Glory
Worthy to receive honor
Worthy to receive all our praises

And then the tempo picks up:

Praise Him
Praise Him and lift Him up
Praise Him
Praise His name forever.”

It made me feel better. I returned to my room hitting the power button on the DVD player to off and Fiddler Orchestra music on the computer to on. My clothes glared at me so I figured they’d do nicely in the dresser. It wasn’t long until my mother came home with groceries (yeah for food) and I helped her unload them. I ate two pieces of pizza. A lot of the time I don’t like to be around people because of my attitude. So I headed back to my room, shut the door, and layed down. I was not in a productive mood, and presently I somehow need to push myself to be in order to get things done.

People are awesome. My friends are an amazing group of people. But I guess there are a bunch of amazing people out there.

I had a hamburger with fries. The lunch ladies are so nice to me. They ask me about my day, and smile real big. I think it is wonderful. Becca’s wonderful!

So Zack. Yeah. I don’t know what the deal is with me and him, but it’s not the same. I guess I can push it to be the same but, why should I? It takes the effort of two people.

Speaking of effort, distance really sucks. I feel like I’m missing out on something because of distance. I can’t be a part of their life until I am there all the time. I can’t share their jokes or their sadness or their frustrations. We can only talk about them at the end of the day over the phone. But I don’t want to talk on the phone! I want to be there in person, in the flesh, ready to save the day if I have to. I would save all your lives. It hurts me. I feel like distance will separate us and it will hurt what we have. But, I have enough faith in me to know GOD STILL CARES. I know He does and will always hold on to that. God will take care of everything for everybody. I just don’t like to hurt. When ever I was fighting that feeling of hate in me earlier, it was hard. Really hard. It was a battle in my mind and I wanted to give in so bad.

But things will be fine.

Sparks of luminescent flowers
In groves of lush greens
Brooks of sapphire blues
And angel rocks

Out there in the light
Burns my fire
Soul distance –
A fight against desire

I live now
Standing here
Waiting for the next
Giving up the how,
The whys, and the whens,
And holding on to faith.

Look at me
Hear my voice
Feel my heart
Understand?
I think the world of what is to come
Between the two
Where I stand.

Never let me go,
Catch me when I fall,
Take the tears I shed and keep them.
Whisper me a promise.
Be my light,
Never fade out.

2005-01-06T20:40:00.000-06:00

IT'S A PROCESS!

Here I am, sittin back and drinkin a nice cup of french vanilla cappachino, a drink that I actually bought about an hour ago at the Citgo on FM 306. I just got off the phone with Bryan, a friend of mine that I met through Lisa. I can't even begin to explain the recent occurences that continue to take place in my life. Honestly, the time period that began after Christmas till now, has been one the coolest times of my life. Sort of. It's had its ups and downs. I have realized the importance of my friends, and more importantly, a reconnection with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Things happen for a reason right? Consider the world: massive, vast, full of diversity, culture, miracles, all of it....and then there is you. You. YOU ARE NOW IN THIS REALLY BIG WORLD. Everyone say, "REAL BIG."

"REAL BIG!"

Where do we begin to realize how alone we really are? How? I mean why would we want to? We can't survive by ourselves, no one can. On the contrary, we forget something so easily. People that we love may seem to take care of us in anyway possible, but even though we are okay with that, we still may not be happy.

Somewhere along the lines, you have to separate yourself from everybody and everything and become independent. Then realize that we don't need friends, we don't need family, we don't need money, we don't need a college education, WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING. Wow, that's a big concept. Deep inside us, we are able to control our wants and our needs, our way of thinking and our beliefs because we have that power. People get so caught up in this world they forget who they are and what their real purpose is. I have, I do. But what's right? What's righteous? Oh, come on now, let's not play the fool, stop running, accept the truth, and it can only get better from there. It should. GOD is all you'll ever need.

I'm worried about myself I guess. I am actually decently happy with myself. I have found that happy medium. I don't hate who I am, and I am not afraid to say who I am or what I believe. I am so close to admitting everything, but that's never really suppose to happen, because, well, it's just not. I want to be safe and comforted. God has been so awesome! He always is awesome!

Lisa is Awesome! Bryan is Awesome! Emily is Awesome! I love THE LISA, THE BRYAN, AND THE EMILY!

Dancing beneath the stars, the softness of your hand.

Love hidden beneath the dock, a river splits the land.

A head upon your shoulder, a tear from my eye.

Hiding the passion within my heart, would be worst lie.

Time controls unfairly taking you away.

Love uncovered brings regret, tomorrow becomes today.

All I wanted was time with you,

Now it's to late like a bird you flew.

All I wanted was you,

Sitting here alone,

Thinking of you.

The cruelness of torcher hurts,

If our love was meant to be,

Than it's true.

I want hold you tonight,

I want to be with you for all time.

I want you to be mind.

Try to take you away,

I will put up a fight.

I can't let you go,

Don't leave me here tonight.

I want you to be mine!

Please stay here,

I need you in my arms,

I can't help it if I cry.

If this is it,

Take my heart,

I'd rather die.

All I wanted was you,

Sittting here alone thinking of you.

The cruelness of torcher hurts.

If our love was meant to be, than it's true.

Okay, that was an old song I wrote. Bryan had reminded me that I wrote it. Now I want to write a new poem, hmmm...let's see.....

Ambers strike aglow, flickering flames,

Waging a war, shattering the shames.

Directing the dawn, beating the bank,

Hiding in Hell, singing a saint.

Dark corridors of doomed delight,

Plunging farther and farther by the wildest might.

Hurling masses of molten hotter than Hell,

Shaking the solid, ringing the bells.

Tormenting the innocent blood of refuge,

Singing songs of sweet sickening muse.

Mingling in moons of blames and blooms,

Fighting the desire of preposterous dooms.

Lurid and gray,

Dainty by day.

Leave me in this way,

I will repay.

This eerie battle,

Let out with a rattle.

Screaming with crackles,

Of anxious laughs of hackles.

Bewildered and lost,

I hate the cost.

But Lord it's me,

This person to free.

Hang in there! O you,

Don't give in to this boo.

Give it up, your almost through,

For your sake, or you will lose.

The waters reside waiting,

Departing the waves of delight.

The sun now residing,

The stars taking sight.

Silence all around.

Whispers surround.

Sanctity upheld,

By and by.

Sigh a sigh,

Living on high,

Until the night,

I fall to this fight.

Let me be free in this world of hate,

Like the gold written in the stars of fate.

To take the only sword and swing strong,

Ending the battle not ours it belongs.

Renewing our minds, for the perfect will of GOD.

Well that was real fun!

2004-12-29T14:50:00.000-06:00

I haven't been home for a while, until now, and even this visit isn't very long. I am about to leave to go camping. I hope everything works out for the better. I think if I believe that everything from now on will be positive, it will be; for me and my friends. Let's hope this new year is something incredible, unforgettable, and ultimately enjoyable. I think I am willing to kick it up a notch! Happy NEW YEAR 2005!!!! SENIORS!!! CLASS OF 2005!!!

2004-12-25T01:57:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am not torturing myself with my emotions. I am not so troubled that I cannot live my life. I am quite capable of taking care of myself; being an independent person. I don't understand why you all think I need "time away"or a "break" from life, because I don't need a break from life. What I need is support and comfort. But I don't expect that from you guys. If you want to give me that, then that is your choice. I heartily accept your kindness for the reasons you give are because of the care you have for me, in a way that I care for you. It is hard for me to deny your love and hard for me to deny that love I have for each and every one of you. However, there are times in my life when I am going to have to make choices that may affect you all in a way that does not please you all. So, that said, let's move on. Stop worrying about me. Worry about yourselves. I don't know why you worrying about me bothers me so much. I just want you to stop and to concentrate on yourself. That's all.

2004-12-19T01:07:00.000-06:00

I guess I lie to myself a lot, about who I am and what I am. I deny things, more thing than the normal person would deny. I want to be angry. I want to be carefree. Why things can't just be easy fustrates me. I suppose I am really looking for a way out, that's all. The easy way out is not the best way out...sometimes.

But I hurt. I hurt inside. I want to scream it out, while dancing in the rain, while the moon shines brighter than any previous night. It shines as my only comfort and testiment to this life. And as the rain beats me to my knees, I'll let the water fall from my face, drenching my hair, tears of blood crying for me the tears that I need to cry, so I will feel some remorse, some pity for myself. And there, on the middle of the street amongst the shadows of blacks and the navy blues and the blinding hues of grays with specs of street lights, I'll look up, and frown, for that's my life.

People are so amazing. My friends are amazing, and the love we have for one another is even more amazing. Life may suck, but at least we can love one another and hold each other up. It's crazy though. Imagine the friends we have and how close we hold them to our hearts. I hold all my friends to my heart. I care so much about them. That brings a smile to my face.

The wind is blowing through my window, making the curtains move up and down in weird inconsistant patterns. I have this weird feeling, it's almost comforting, but weird. I can't help but want to be angry with myself or to shout at someone, or to hurt someone. I am angry at something deep inside and all I can hope to do is to shut out that anger, so that way no one will know that I am hurting. In the end, I just need to get over myself.

Last night was the dance and I had the chance of praying. I wanted to pray with someone. I wanted Zac to pray with me. I need his love and I thank God that I have his love. He needs prayer too. His priorities or elsewhere though. He'll take care of Sarah before he takes care of me, as he should, but sometimes I need him. (But, more now than before, I have learned to be independent and not depend on someone else. A lot of teens need a consistance friend, as I try to be to everyone else. It's hard.) When I got home, I thought I would get on the computer. Then I went to the bathroom, came into my room and shut off the lights except for my little lamp that emits little light. I shut the computer screen off and then in one movement, sank to my knees. I put my face to the floor, and started to talk to God. Then I began to cry. I just talked to him the best way I could. He knows me better than anyone else, so there was nothing to hide from him. I wanted more than anything to let go. I felt better afterwards and wiped away real tears. I then collapsed onto my bed and went to sleep. The next morning should have been better but I always manage to srew it up somehow. Oh well, that's part of life and part of my experiences. The best part about last night and how I was praying, was the promising factor of God's forgiveness. It made me feel better, even though I knew I didn't deserve it.

I wonder how Pace is doing. I haven't talked to him in a while and that is not like us to now talk. He doesn't even text me anymore. I think he said something about being gone for two days. I wish he would let me know if he could talk or not, just so I know he is okay.

There's you and me

sitting pleasantly

along side the lake

dreaming of a place

where we feel safe

there's you and me

looking out into the sky

turning to you and smiling

wondering the future

a world of mine

there's you and me

watching the stars

counting all of them

holding them true

for us to find

there's you and me

there's your eyes

then mine

closer to you I am

there's me and you

what more than that

two people

looking over the lake.

2004-12-13T19:52:00.000-06:00

There are a million feelings,
A million of them, in me.
Some I adore, others I ignore,
And more and more, I cry.
Because they hurt me.

Love is so fragile,
It's a single rose,
Sighing in the wind,
Gently swaying sweetly.

It only knows love,
No misery, no heart break.
And its purpose, lovely,
Enduring and beautiful.

I am fragile, broken inside.
Dirty with mud, hidden in shade.
Dusty air alludes my vision,
And the world is cold to me.

I whither away day by day,
Thinking of tunes to wash away,
The fear of shame and death,
To humble myself inside.

Reach out to me, find me.
Remove me for here,
I'll be so glad,
Yet, dimness sets in.

Again and again, I am lost.
World of many things,
My world of many feelings,
Ordained this purpose, unfulfilled.

One day, some way, in my life,
I suppose I'll grow in my soul.
A rose. Beautiful and perfect.
Delicate, fragrant, and me.

2004-12-13T19:32:00.000-06:00

Mmm...think of life like, let me think, a cube. A perfect cube! It has even sides, even surface areas, and it's a cube! Yeah, that's all I have to say about the cube. Because if I say to much about the cube then every one will know the secret powers that the cube possesses and I really don't want no one to know, so sorry ya'll; NO cube knowledge for you! I must protect its best interest, being the cube's manager and all. Especially with people trying to measure its edges and find its volume. Well how would you feel if I always measured you to find your volume? HMMMM??? Could you look me in the eye and tell me you are okay with that??? Pfffft! Yeah right. Whatever!

Enough with the cube.

Today was a dandy doo day! Sort of. It's always sort of! But uh oh well. So, Ashleigh and I stayed after school and did absolutely nothing! Okay, well we joked around like one hundred percent of the time, so we couldn't have been doing nothing. It was fun, it's ALWAYS fun. SENIORS 2005! WHOO HOO!

Huh, but there's so much more...just tons of stuff, always coming and going and going and coming...non-stop. But that is the life of everybody. Really...really really.

I want to write a poem, but every time I try to write a poem, they aren't the articstically talented types that really entrance a person, they are more of a repetitive drony thing. But I want too so bad! Mostly cause I was looking at my past poetry and I just want to know what my little soul can produce. Imagine that, I have soul! Just kidding! I know I have a soul! GOD gave me my soul! Yeah for JESUS! Really, I'm lost too.

2004-12-11T23:09:00.000-06:00

Yeah for pizza. Sort of. I just though I would open with a simple sentence that included food. "Why thanks you, I am so delighted."

"That's because you are delightful."

"Oh George, do behave!"

I suppose everyone has an inner imagination somewhere. Today was an interesting day. Not to crazy. I eventually awoke from my slumber, sometime around six thirty because I had the ACT at UTSA. My Dad had to take the long way by taking Loop 337 to get on the highway. I don't know what he was thinking but I couldn't help think that we were going to be late. But, I got there just in time. I was tired! And hungry!

"You should have woke up earlier!"

"Yes sir."

Either way, we got there. I saw Jason Pliego. He was in the same classroom as me. It seems like UTSA and UT at Austin are similar in their choice of placing air conditioning ducts. It is old and not appealing whatesoever. This girl named Amanda sat next to me, to my left that is. She wants to attend Baylor, the one in Belton. This was her fourth time to take the ACT. She was nice. I sat in the back. I hated the test totally. But I pushed myself to work fast and hard. It is all about the pacing.

After the exam, my father and I drove home. On the way back, we stopped at a few car places. The rumor around my house includes a car instore for me...maybe. That would be wonderful! I mean really wonderful, like it would make my life completely!

Then I slept a lot, even though I was suppose to go to Emily's house to help her bake cookies, I didn't. I feel bad because she needed a lot of help, but I was so tired. Oh yeah, i also had an officer's meeting that went really well. Mostly because my officers have a lot of good ideas that I know we are going to do. It is going to be really exciting.

The musical is so awesome. I am so proud of everyone in the cast because of all the hard work they are putting into it. The dance scenes are amazing! We still have a lot of work to do, but it is all possible. Tomorrow I am going over to Cole's house to work on our scene that Mrs. Cox blocked with me and Ashleigh, so at least he knows what is going on. I think we are going to work on all the songs to. And his mom said something about looking for costumes and maybe making them. I have a feeling that I am going to have to make a lot of my costumes. But aht is okay because then they will be unique. The hardest part is finding the costume. Plus, what size am I going to have to look for especially beause I am going to be in a fat suit. Hm...I wonder.

2004-12-11T23:00:00.000-06:00

Deception.

Oh no. Deception. I wonder what else could be knew right now? Besides the emotions that seem to conquer everyones lives. It boils in my blood. A blood that everyone carries in them, flowing through them, moving to sustain life. The heart sustains life. It pumps life into the blood. Eventually the heart gets tired of the blood because the heart does all the work. It stops. The heart decides to stop pumping. Especially when the heart grows tired. Not just from the work, but from the weight of life. The weight of the blood, and all it has to do. The brain really has no control over everything. Even though it thinks it does, it doesn't. The brain can't live without the heart. The heart can still pump even though the brain may not be working. Our hearts live. I wonder if the beats always stay the same and clear. Actually, I know they don't, because the beats change, everything is always changing. Even I am.

2004-12-11T22:33:00.000-06:00

Magnitudes of harm, a threat,
December 11th....10:35PM
"This guy named Joe, like he we have a number....I think T told you about it. He was saying dirty stuff about it...he was being not very, uh, well, saying all this weird stuff and, um, wanted us to call him sugar daddy. Do you want the number?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, it's 832-876-1285..."
"Does he keep calling ya'll..."
"We hung up withouth giving him this number. He said if we hung up he would get our parents and tell them." T gets on the phone.
"Are you okay? Is this guy still bother you?"
"Yes....." S gets back on.
"When was the last time he talked to you...."
"I think like....I have to ask T because I don't remember the date."
"When was it?"
"I don't know....?
"we think about five days ago we aren't absolutely sure."
"now ya'll are telling the truth right...iis your name S...."
"yes."
" okay...."
"she didn't tell you the whole thing."
" no i don't want to...hey, hello, we don't have to say anyting specific right? then we are done..."
"unless it is important..."
"okay hold on."
"we're done. okay, wait, yeah...okay....bye."

2004-12-07T22:04:00.000-06:00

Dear God:

Today a lot of people died. Thousands of people continue to die. I wonder a lot of times why people die. . . why children go without mothers and father, brothers and sisters, friends and family. I try to reason with an expanation that things happen for a reason, and life is the way, and no one can change it. I was taught to have faith, even the smallest faith counts.

Dear God:

I hurt a lot of people today. I always seem to be hurting someone. I hurt a lot of people. I have made a lot of people cry. I hate myself for it. I think I might have to make more people cry. And I don't want to.

Dear God:

What am I suppose to do? Who am I suppose to turn to now? There is NO person to hold onto now. It's just you and me. . . right? Please. . . help me God. Will you forgive me? Will you please find a way out for me, because i don't know how to get out of this. No man has an answer me, except for prayer.

Dear God:

I have trouble praying.

Dear God:

Please don't let me hurt anymore people.

Dear God:

Take care of Pace and tell him that I am so sorry. Please hold him Lord, hold him close to your heart and never let him go because he needs you more than anything in this world, more than anybody in the world.

Dear God:

Tell Emily that I love her so much, because she means the world to me, because she plays such a huge role in my life and that I am so sorry that I have hurt her or made her cry or if I lie to her or make her feel bad. I am so sorry God! I wish I didn't have to hold back in telling her things.

Dear God:

Help Ashleigh make it to college and help her get a good education so she may become something great. More than anything God, please let her find You, because that would really be so amazing.

Dear God:

I make a lot of excuses. I am worn out right now. Hell seem close by. I am not even sure what is right or what is wrong. My heart feels one thing, but something keeps holding me back. I sensation in my body that pushes me towards this thing, and then a sickness that brings me to my knees so I can pity myself. Please help me.

Dear God:

I don't like myself right now, please make me feel better, even though I don't deserve it. Please help me find some sort of happiness. I need that. I need love. I need you. FORGIVE ME GOD!

AMEN

RAMON MADRID JR.

2004-10-31T22:12:00.000-06:00

Tonight is Halloween. Big Whoop! It doesn't even feel like Halloween. There are a bunch of crazy people out tonight. I saw a few of them at the Museum of Art and Music. So today was an alright day. I woke up at six thirty only to find out it was really five thirty because of daylight savings time. My mom told me. She even showed me the news station to make sure she was right. I was like, "Alright! Score! I get to sleep a little more!" And so I did. But then I had to wake up because I had to be to work by like seven thirty. I was told the day before when I picked up my check that everyone was going to dress up and that I should to. So naturally, being the theatre geek I am, got all dressed up. Like a NERD again. Except an Abercrombie NERD. I guess that is an oxymoron, but I thought it was funny and a great way to make fun of the whole abercrombie fad. But hey, it was going to be fun. However, when I got to work, the doors were locked and the lights were off signifying that no one was even there. I was so mad. So I waited for like thirty minutes. During that time period, more employees showed up, but guess what, they weren't even dressed up. That really pissed me off. Okay, well not that much...I just so happened to have a polo on me just in case a serious situation like this happened. So I changed. And then Brandy finally showed up. Everyone gave her a hard time and technically everyone was late. So, I went to work which isn't really that fun because it just isn't, but luckily I got off at like eleven thirty and went home. I ate some food and then watch the Fear Factor, which is a dumb show but the people on there are fun to watch, especially when they eat all that disgusting stuff....really gross. Eventually I made my way to the bed and called PACE. Of course we didn't talk much, except about his dance he had last night and about other dumb stuff. But I was tired, so we said our good byes and I took a long nap. YEAH ME! But then STEF called and was like, "Hey, lets go do something tonight." and I was like, "K, what did you have in mind?" And she was like, "I dunno, but Elise and Luke want to go see Andy's band. " ANd I said, "Sounds good, lets go." And so, I awakened, and got ready to go, which meant I took a shower. My dad dropped me off at her house and we took off for Gruene. But Elise and Luke were still at Taco Cabana so we were going to meet them at the Texaxo off FM306 and Hunter Rd. It was funny, because STEF is so awesome. She has a lot of energy. She's great. But we got there and pulled up to the front of the store and it looked closed, but we saw some girl moving behind the counter. We decided to move the care because we didn't want anybody to think we were robbign the place. IT was great, because we moved by this dumpster, like right next to it, and it was open. And I looked an it and was like, "Omi......THERE'S A MAN IN THE DUMPSTER!" and STEF got scared, and I like, "Ehhh, just kidding!" And she was like, "okay, we are moving to a different spot to park..." It was funny, because she gets scared so easily. And then while we waited we talked some more about all kinds of things until Luke and Elise pulled up. We then got in the car to ride with them. Luke is cool. He had a Steven Ray Vaughn CD in his car, and that guy is a good musician. Technically we could have drove to the concert ourselves, but STEF wasn't sure where we were going, so she felt safer to get a ride with Luke. Which was cool. So we park at some little hut, and Luke is confused as where this place is.....and he wanted to walk farther down Gruene Road, except there was nothing in that direction, so we were like, "UH...." But then we saw the Museum building. We headed that way only to run into a fence and a lot of weeds, so we started to walk towards the road. We then ended back up at Luke's car realizing we had made complete pointless circle. But we found our way and paid five bucks to get in. The Museum itself was a nice building and had some really cool artifacts in it, but it also had a lot of disturbing stuff in it too. The Music was not anything I would leisurely listen too, but Andy and Phillip were playing so it made okay. Besides, we were just coming to support them. Howerever, their lead singer was dressed in a grils bra and bikini...and that was pretty gross. His name is Taylor and I shouldn't have expected anything less from him. We saw a lot of people there like Becca, Darcy, Josh, Stacey, Natalie, Brittany, and Kate. Just a lot of people. Bianca and Ashton were there too. It was cool to see all the people. But then there were the girls who were all dressed like skanks. It's like Halloween is the only time of year that a girl can get away dressed provacatively and actually get away with it. But oh well. Oh yeah, alcohol and weed was present too. It wasn't bad bad, but it was not a place a Christian would want to be. It was sort of satanic, and that was freaky. Me and Stef walked out after ten minutes of being there. Mostly to talk about stuff again. We sat at the curb and just talked. I told her about the show I saw last night about the whole, "He hasn't forgotten you." and all that. I felt like crying. But then we eventually went back inside because we didn't want to be un cool....duh, because we are such cool people. We upstair to the balcony and looked at the cool art. Some of it was really freaky. There was a few art pieces that this guy used people's bodies and their ashes to make the art. That was real gross. We saw two people doing something really weird...we thought it was like a satanic thing...probably was. I saw Julian and Van there to. And STEF and I came to the conclusion that the F word is a famous word amongst these groups of people. We eventually left. And I came home. And there is a lot to talk about now. And it was fun. I fell bad though, because I wanted to do something with Victoria and we didn't. Anyways, tomorrow is a new day and I didn't do any of my homework, so I am going to attempt to do so.

2004-10-30T21:19:00.000-05:00

I wonder what it is going to take to revive my soul.
I wonder what extreme will God send to help me.
Whether it be something smaller or large,
Or through this world...please send it.
He has.

today i witnessed a miracle
a small miracle that only I saw
a miracle that affected me
because it was my soul
my darkened soul
realizing the signifigance
it bgan with failure
mounting to a small prayer
a prayer so small
i barely heard the desire
but someone heard it
someone nearby
nearer than i thought
in a place i though was empty
that has been empty
always empty
it's not
and in the smallest way
on a show
a message came
so simple
so sure
so remarkable
i cried
i cried because i am hurting
the hurt
the failure
the sickening desires
and i cried
it was through those silent tears
slowing secretly streaming down my face
sitting there next to my father
that i felt a tug at my heart
and i want to follow that tug
i want to be safe again
i want security
but then i think of love
and what it has to offer
it must be the wrong type of love
i fear this love
but then there is love
a real true love
a love that is sancified
and true
that has no flaw
but has a freedom
i want this so bad
but then, there i my flesh
and it is fighting inside of me
asking me questions
what if you meet this person
what if you miss out on this life
don't you want to be loved
don't you want to feel a warmth
but there is another warmth
it is so distant to me
so far away
the people
the souls
the altar
God
and it has become hard
bottom line
diffulty in making the right choices
where's conviction?
it has become dead in me
almost
making decisions
not so righteous
failure
to myself
to other people
and so i dream
hardly ever dreaming
but i want to dream
i saw myself die today
in my mind
it was during the tribulation
i was a young man
wiser than i am now
more faithful than i am now
and i was on my knees
thousands of lives had already been taken
and people were standing around me
crazy dilirious people
and fire was every where
i was on my knees
holding back tears
as a man leaned down
whispering into my ear
his breath had a sick stench
and his face was dirty
a piercing on his brow
an evil lurking around him
he leaned towards me
and asked me
do you believe in God
do you have a Messiah
who do you serve
and a tear fell
and i was killed
by a gun shot
and i thought of the pain
but knew it would past
because i heard a voice telling me
the pain lasts for a second
and then your safe
then i wondered why
why thousands of people
are going to go to hell
because they aren't going to live a certain way
think of all the faces
to burn in hell for eternity
eternity
forever
i want to go to heaven forever
but right now
i am not worth anything
i am a stray
still lurking
but not what i should be
i am nothing
-Ramon

2004-10-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

You know what? I am still so completly angry. NO, I am more calm. I will remain positive and delightful, hardworking, and persistant, because, life is that way. I am a happy human being. HAPPY!

Stability.............S T A B I L I T Y ....

Security........ and all that other stuff.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE

FAITH FAITH FAITH

KEEP ME

KEEP ME IN PROTECTING GRACE
GUIDING MY STEPS THROUGH LOVE EACH DAY

KEEP ME

I NEED YOU TO KEEP ME

LORD, I PLACE MY FAITH IN YOU

I PLACE MY TRUST IN YOU

I PLACE MY HOPE IN YOU

I NEED YOU TO KEEP ME

2004-10-20T17:36:00.000-05:00

I am so tired....swim practice was harder than I thought. I think we swam 1100 meters, not to shabby. They have this big bubble up so we can swim while it is cold. The only problem is, it wasn't cold today. In fact, it was hot, making the dome even hotter. It was like breathing moisture in the water and it made my lungs hurt. But, nonetheless, I swam. At first, my stroke was absolutely horrible, so I had to work hard to bring it back to par. We also got the chance to work on some dives.

Well, money sucks. I hate the issue of money. Just to let you know people, as you get older, you are going to realize that money is a foundation. Without, you will live in poverty. So, to not live in poverty, you must work hard. Hard in school, hard for the rest of your life. I am so angry, I want to scream and beat someone to death. I want to talk to the person who invented money and say, "Why do you do this to us? Why did you have to make money?" I don't understand, it makes people desperate, it makes people happy, it makes us work so hard that we never have to time to breathe or have time to appreciate anything. MONEY.

But, that is a problem no one can fix. Not a person. No solution. And so, must live in the land of America's money, where we carry the weight of the moon and the solitude of the world.

Money will now weight me down. I want to get into NYU so bad...oh, ya'll have no idea how bad I want too. I NEED to get into that school. OH GOD! This is so fustrating.

ALAS POOR YORK! GET THEE TO A NUNNERY! A NUNNERY. AS A CHILD I WAS RAISED BY BENEDICTINE PRIESTS, AND LATTER BY NUNS. THEY WERE NICE NUNS. SORT OF WARM, AND FAIRLY CRAZY TOO.

NO WILLIE, WE'RE WAITING FOR LEFTY. BLINK RIGHT EYE. BLINK LEFT EYE. CLOSES EYES. OPENS THEM.

HOW WAS CHINA?
VERY LARGE CHINA
AND JAPAN?
VERY LARGE JAPAN

LOOK! WHOSE YACHT DO YOU THINK THAT IS/

BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE, START QUOTING HIM NOW...BA DA DAH!

"Tis far far better place I go than I've ever been before,
Tis a far far better thing I do than I've ever done before."

I HAVE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS....STELLA!

2004-10-14T21:07:00.000-05:00

Failure.

One word that describes what I am at this moment in my life. I guess most would say I have a lot to live for and look forward to. But, failure is what I feel. If I could just let go of some things. I am not who I am. I feel like I jump around in my personality and I don't like it. Why do I think of the stuff? Who really cares?

It seems that no one has any good words of wisdom to say. Except those scriptures Emily read to me on the phone. How am I suppose to grow and learn without a mentor or a teacher? On my own is the best answer I can come up with. But, I fail, and I struggle, and I don't know what is wrong or what is right. All I hear is everyone else's opinions about life, and I have yet to develop my own. How can someone be so comfortable with who they are? They just do it I suppose. I don't know.

I am dumb.

2004-10-11T18:27:00.000-05:00

And so my life gets worse. A lot worse.

On September 7th 2004, I had a car accident, except it was in my friend's Zac's car and neither him nor I had car insurance. I didn't hit another car, I hit an electrically transformer, and it blew up. It shouldn't have blown up, but it did. It blew up and now it has blown up my own life ruining it. That particualr night was one of the worse night anybody can have. I cried, called Emily, cried some more, and went to school the next day trying to deal with this and my previous problems that had carried through till now. Not only that, but Comedy Night Live was that Thursday and I was one of the directors. Somehow I managed to pull together my emotions, with the help of friends and prayers. And I moved on ...

Here it is, a month later, and Mrs. Platt calls me after swim practice informing that New Braunfels Utilities is sueing me for the damage I caused. She gave me a name and a number to call, I suppose an officer at the police station. I call it, no one is there, I leave my name and number. And now what? Should I tell my father before I talk to the officer, or should I wait till after I talk to him. I am so scared. None of this makes any sense. Or it does. I broke the law, I was driving and I shouldn't have been. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I had insurance, but my family doesn't have any money.

My Dad lives off of Social Security because he is crippled, handicapped for life. I get a four hundred dollar check every month from the federal government because my real Mom died in a car accident when I was four ... My step Mom doesn't bring enough money. I got a job and now I pay for many of my own things. That's life and that's how it works. But, I don't need this. I have worked hard to try and get into a good university to make a living and have security, to bring my talent to move an audience, to inspire someone. That may all be ruined. My life may be ruined because of that accident that could of happened to anybody on anyday at anytime and I cannot change it. It had to be me.

God, please let them drop the charges. Please God, please, let them drop those charges, I can't pay for anything. My father and mother are already angry because they have to take care of my brother and me and my step-brother and his wife, and bills and food and all that stuff. I just want out. I want to not be worried and scared anymore. I need to be stable and remain stable. How am I suppose to hard now? How am I suppose to hold on to the same dreams I use to have. GOd, please, in all Your Glory, forgive me, help me, save me from this.

I don't have much faith, but I know God is capable of all things. I have some faith. I just have to keep going.

2004-10-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

That last post was an argumentive essay I had to write in Latin IV AP. It's suppose to show how I feel on the topic, but I still am not sure. I suppose a lot of teenage guys are not sure.

The day cound not have started out better this morning. I woke up and went to swim practice. Swam a lot, pushed myself, and came out energetic for the rest of the morning. After practice, Sam and I went to Starbucks to buy some caffeine and delight ourselves in our random jokes and many nuances of laughter. She cracks me up. Then I went to the stage in the morning because I suppose to have an ITS meeting, but that didn't fall through as planned. That was my fault. The day dragged on. A million thoughts surface in my mind. I really don't want to do anything.

I have to work harder on my academics. I already started my senior year in a bad way. And now, it is too late to change anything. So I have to try harder. I am scared. A part of me wants to believe that I am going to be accepted into NYU, but then this fear of not being good enough keeps overwhelming me. I have to try harder, I have to work harder, I need to be better, I need to be the best, becuase if not, I wont get in. All this work is difficult to manage, and chaotic to schedule. It'll all be okay.

I just have to keep going.

2004-10-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

A Fight for Rights

No greater social controversy exists than the topic of homosexuality. For a strong argument does not exists to justify or condemn the people of this deep subject. What point may I be getting at? Am I being arrogant, boastful, and judgemental? No, I am not, I am actually more audacious and compassionate because I have witnessed and heard testimonies of the like.

Through my experiences with church I am aware of the word of God, written in the Bible for all to see and I am expected to live by the Word, as well as I would hope the rest of the world would live by. However, people of many ages and backgrounds all over the world do not abide by the same beliefs I follow, which causes many differences, and one of these differences is that of homosexuality. I see boys with boys and girls with girls becoming a part of society, striving for acceptance from the majority, diligent in their secrecy, lost in their lies, and losing all their mental focus on this one huge aspect of their life. An aspect that shapes who they are, how they think, and how they will live. The United States of America condemns homosexuality. A majority of the senators, the leaders, the priests, the pastors, the mothers, the fathers, the friends, the family, and anyone else who dares stands against the normal way of life, because they fear change, and they fear the change these people will bring. They stand firm in their ideology, and the homosexuals stand naked in their fight for acceptance.

The majority shames homosexuality and turns away from it, disregarding the issue. Why shouldn’t the majority turn away from it? There is no scientific textbook answer, no real reason for the way these people feel. What’s the relevance of trying to make sense of it? What’s the effort of arguing the issue? These things are all in vain, causing wasted efforts and wasted emotions. The youth of this rising generation accepts these people considering them harmless, while the older generation either tries to hide them away, telling them, “No,” or reveals them, humiliating them in front of the world. And those certain homosexuals who do not hide, are ridiculed and shamed, condemned to Hell and declared immoral, causing the youth who struggles with their sexuality to hide who they are, hurt mentally, and feel totally alone. The only alternative for them is to stand against the majority and take their ridicule and their shame. The struggle continues with politicians and public opinion. Here’s a thought: most politicians and the public do not share the hardships of a struggling homosexual.

“But the Bible declares it a sin, an act against God.” So what? Because homosexuals’ sin they should be immediately judged, slapped with a label, ignored, and sentenced to misery? Are they not brethren? Are they not allowed the same unalieable rights as an American because they are gay, they are different? Are they suddenly undeserving of life, when other men molest children or when a man blows up an entire building murdering hundreds of people, people who have lives, a life that every human being, whether they are black, white, educated, poor, rich, gay, straight, male, and or female, is entitled too?

“Hide! Leave! Die! Why do they act so different, why are they shy, and unusual? Why does that man love that man? Why are the men with men and women with women parading down the streets, asking for civil rights, causing more trouble for the world? Let them never find happiness in this world only in their own.” Suddenly, a gay priest comes forward in the Episcabal Church: “All the same, homosexuals are condemned to Hell, because it is the moral thing to do!”

You see, don’t you understand even this-homosexuals are judged by society, a right that is not our own? Remember that in the end, it is God who makes the final judgement. Their acts may be wrong, but we are wrong if we judge them. And so, not needed to accept their actions, we are able to decide if we accept them, as a person, as an individual worthy of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Thank God for our free will to decide what is right and what is wrong, especially if it is in our hearts.

2004-10-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

My foot itches. I am tired and I need some caffeine, but the chances of a good soda existing in the refridgerator is not possible. There is Pepsi, but I don't like Pepsi. It hurts my stomach. And when my stomach hurts, I shake my fist and look up the sky and scream, "WHY?" Then a get a lot of "what a freak" looks. That's okay.

I am worried about what's going to happen next as far as my future goes. Especially with my whole brother situation. He is going to come back, and the family's acceptance of him will really be tested. He'll have to follow the rules, like I do, and he'll have to work hard to get his feet on the ground. I've worked hard. I pay for things with my own money, way before I ask my parents for help. But Michael, no, he calls them whenever he's bounced a check, or his car needs repairs, or he can't pay his phone bill. He has drained my father physically and emotionally. It rips up my heart when I see my father so exhausted. And then, I ask him for help, and he still helps me. I feel so bad, but what am I suppose to do? I couldn't accomplish a lot of this stuff without him. My Mom works really hard too. And I don't give her credit for all her hard work. I am just so caught up in my own life.

Money makes things hard. Incredibly hard. Ridiculously hard, so much, that I hate it and it makes me sick. My parenst struggle with it, my dad wishes he could give the world to me, but he can't, because of money. He feels like a failure and he isn't. It just hurts, the whole situation hurts. And a lot of my friends take money for granted. Most of them haven't learned all the hard work it takes to make money and how to manage it. Insecuity is my weakness. I am scared to see my self in ten years, because of the career feild I want to go in. I find it hard to manage the little bit of money I make now.

In my heart, I don't deserve a lot of this stuff. I don't know what type of purpose is there, except that I hope it all works out. And, I thank all my friends. Ya'll are really awesome. Especially Emily.

2004-09-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

Sure. . . I want to cry. . . is that so bad? Why am I asking? Crying is not a bad thing. It's great. My heart cries all the time, chokes me up. It really does. My insides flooded from the tears caused by heart; tears that drain my entire body. Disatisfied I am with myself and the accomplishments I have acheived to this point. It seems that I have failed my smallest goals; I speak of these things secretly. A hush of leaves that are moved by the whispers of the wind. I hold myself in contemp for my lack of decency and faith. My faith is less than a mustard seed and cannot be planted. All I write about is negatively toned topics, all excuses with no point. I have no point.

I need help. I need help real bad, before I totally lose my mind.

2004-09-05T04:19:00.000-05:00

It's really early in the morning and I don't know why I am up. This messes up my entire sleeping schedule and puts me in a tough position to regain my rutuine. People are crazy. I hate my life. I want so much and I can't acheive any of it. I have to. I need to. I will.

There is an assumption to life's mysteries; a rude solid awakening. Formed from the bewilderment of this world and thrown into confusion. A soft silence sweeping the land and causing the it to melt. It washes the sand of the beaches leaving them bare. Like I am now, bare and naked; stripped of my rights and solitude. Dreaming any dream causes an uproar; taking a stand on any substance brings argument and resentment; sacrificing self humiliation for the simple passion within brings out the accusers. They point with their crooked fingers frequently.

"You understand? You understand? Let me tell you something. You don't understand! You have no idea what hell I go through. I guess you think I asked for this...well, I didn't. I don't want it. You can take your toxin and dump anywhere but here. I will not be moved!"

2004-08-21T19:47:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I will cry tomorrow morning. I want to. I want Zach to fall to his knees and to cry too. Because he wants too, because he needs too. That desire in his heart needs to come out and he needs to let go; as others need to let go, and as I need to let go. Letting go of what we love, the little things that we love, is hard to let go of. But, there's no other way. No in between and I struggle with that everyday of my life. I want to say that I am confused. I am. That's only when I think about purpose and that interaction between people. But when I think about God, all the memories and experiences in His security comes rolling back and nothing else is needed. I don't need anything else. Somehow, in my decisions I have fallen into the world's of other people and intertwined my life into theirs. So, unless I hurt them, I can't let go. It's not in my nature to hurt others, even if it is for my good. I am limited in my knowledge. The knowledge I know is what I use to make the decisions in my life. Despite if they are the right choices or the wrong choices.

I want my life to change tomorrow right next to Zach's life. I need to be there next to him so we can let go and live our life the way it's suppose to be lived; so we can have that security, love, and happiness that was there before we fell. Not just any love, but an unconditional love that's real, that's makes me cry because it is so incredible, that HE gave us. That's what I want. And I want it for Zach, because I love him. He is my friend, my confidant, and someone I could trust my whole life to. Things will work out for the best, because there is a purpose. In the next year, a revelation will take place. A revelation to revolutionize the roles which I play or anybody else plays. For the better.

2004-08-20T23:19:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.

Things have changed a bit since the end of summer. My priorities are different for one thing. I am always home(which is the biggest change), and school has actually been good for once. Everything seems to be fine at the moment.

I miss Jennifer. She moved to her college. She calls me every now and then, but she always sounds like she is such a "college girl" with her "college guys." Today we had an argument on how we should of went out. It was funny. I miss Lisa, Kristin, and Alex.

2004-08-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

Blame it on Mexico, if you need a reason!

Haha...yeah right.
My life hurts...

The waters have been moved,
Moved in blood hidden life.
In the water, look, it's there.
The love, is love, like no love before.

A secret hidden there too,
Keep it at a whisper.
Like soft serene pedals sinking,
The rose, living rose, is dying.

Melting in the turmoil,
The risk taken without a fall,
A warmth new to all,
No shame, the shame is small.

Held in the sun on the shores,
For the birds, the fish, the sky to see.
They see it now, the blood has spilt,
The love is not a secret.

The vines enwrap the heart,
And holds it, holds it tight.
The fire flows fearfully,
Love with might.

Let them know the love exists.
Love them, be strong,
Have it now, before it's too late,
Simply love, it belongs.

I love.

I hear them. The people that surround me. I understand what they say. They confuse me still. I want to run away. I want to flee into my own depression because I don't want to let go. The angels are singing and they sing, keep singing they tell me. They sing with their song growing angry, even more angry, oh God, they are angry now. "Sing!" they tell me. But I can't sing, I wont sing. I wont let go. I wont give in. I am in this now because I can't get out of it. I am not out of it. I am so confused, so torn between the truth and the life I am experiencing. I can't stand by and not do anything. I'll risk it all, everything, because it's love. It's not hidden anymore, I want the world to know, I want to sound it out through every headline, through every television, on every computer screen, and in every magazine. I want the world to know. But then I'll run and hide and slit my throat and let the blood poor because I am not worth the shame. I am not worth the pain. I am nothing, nothing but who I am and that is nothing. Why waste my time when I can be happy in my own world, here in this place. I would be happier if no one knew, if the world was not informed. Live the life in a long love of what I cherish. Is that selfishness? The last to be selfish are the last to succeed....not true. They just become stronger. I want to be happy. I don't want the confusion. I want to be happy with someone. I want to be able to be with someone and be happy. Let me be happy. There is so much that has to be done, but I can't do it without that someone. I can't do it without those someones, I can't do it alone and I can't be alone. Someone please rescue me from the lonliness because I fear it. I fear it. I fear it. I fear it. And I shouldn't.

2004-07-29T07:44:00.000-05:00

What gives? I don't know right now. Thanks ya'll for the comments. My finger hurts because of something that I don't know. I almost died yesterday trying to fix this tube on the cursed slash possessed converyor belt. Right up there in front of hundreds of people, I lost my balance and nearly fell flat on my face five feet beneath me. But my leg slammed down on this horizontal piece of metal. It hurt. I have to go.

2004-07-28T01:36:00.000-05:00

Somewhere deep within, a tyrant beats the bars of conviction desperate to escape the sick and vile creations of the imagination. This tyrant of malicy manipulates the soul into a discord of confusion and slays the innocent. In the distance of the heart, a sweet violin whispers to the infirmities of the soul causing them to be arroused. Without mercy, they destroy the happiness and rob the passionate of their love. This tyrant so large, this tyrant so forceful, so undefeatable, so full of emotions and chaos; how it rules the lives of so many and misleads them into exile, into a wold of hurt, into the loneliness like no other. IF only an escape existed, a poison to kill it, a sanctuary to rebuke it; how would the tyrant survive? Will its massive life fall into the universe of every ocean and drown amongst the previously defeated tyrants?

I cannot tame a tyrant and nor do I stand to fight against one. However, I will defend myself and anyone else worth defending. Alex is right about things; why worry so much? Why can't things be simple? I guess that's a perspective to consider. On that contrary, if nobody seeks to understand, then how can things work out for the better? Either way, life continues. I keep telling myself, whatever happens in the future, is going to happen. But I hate that saying! I used to say it all the time, "Whatever happens happens." But, there's a purpose right? A purpose has to exists....right?! Oh God! Please let there be a purpose because if there is no purpose...then...then....I don't know.

In my heart I hear the violin. Its melody memorizing me. I hate it. I want it gone. But the will for me to stop it...does not exist. I can feel the beats flowing through my veins, smoothly, silently, with satisfaction. Everything changes.

I can't explain how I feel. I don't want to think about it anymore. But I do because it's you. Because it's this crazy feeling inside that causes me to think about it; it causes me to worry. To see a person is not the same thing as spending time together. To laugh is different than crying. To dream is the escape from reality; any reality. In my dreams I see you walk across America in tears. Falling to the earth on your knees in some hopeless cathedral praying for eachother. But the burden is as heavy as the moon and there is nothing left, nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination; nothing left but our dreams.

What binds friends? Love binds friends. What causes a person to sacrifice everything? Love. It's love that causes us to hurt. The thought of that person gone causes insanity. Love hurts tremendously. There is no escape. We try to sleep to escape the heartache and the pain. But when you wake up, it's still there. Love is not love until love is vulnerable. What's more than caring? Loving. People always say, "I do it because I care," when they probably want to say, "I give you my all because I love you and I need you and without you my life I am nothing. I love you, please, I love you." But fear and rejection stops a person from admitting that.

Pride destroys friendship. Get over your pride! If someone offers their love, take it. Be aware, don't abuse it. Pride causes love to grow rotten and bitter. Don't test the waters.

I just want to scream out what I feel and I can't! I can't!

2004-07-25T22:03:00.000-05:00

Just to clear up any assumption on the blog I posted before, THE ARRIVAL is not the same person who talks a lot of smack. I was reading the last blog I posted and saw how easy it was to assume that they were the same person, but they're not.

Anyways, besides that, things are going okay. Ummm, well, there's one thing, but it's not like I am going to write about. Alright. Peace out. Love. All that.

2004-07-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

I am so happy! For once, I am truly happy! I can't believe it. But, then there's that doubt. Damn doubt. Today was an alright day, except when I waited for an hour on a phone call. But, it was worth it. It always is. That is why I wait. August 15th is the arrival day. On my calendar, it says, THE ARRIVAL. Life will change that day and I have no idea why. It's because of the person who is coming back. I have no bitterness or anger towards this person, in fact, I'd rather see them happy. The past is not relevant anymore, despite what other people say. This one person talks a lot of smack and causes a lot of trouble and then totally contradicts what he says (cough). Sometimes I want to smash his face in. But I put that feeling away. I am more concerned about the people who wait for the arrival and how their lives will change. They aren't bitter either. But their lives are directly affected by the return of the arrival. Fear should not be an option when you live by faith. Fear faithfully, but don't fear the defeated. Like I said, I care for the people that are already here. I care for them because I can't help caring. I care for my friends.

2004-07-23T22:09:00.000-05:00

Okay aggressive people who are suppose to be my friend,

I'm so sorry that I haven't posted, but here I am nonetheless posting when I should be eating dinner. Just kidding. I love ya'll mucho much.

Life has been up and down for me lately. I suppose because my friend's lives are going up and down. Even the friends of my friends. While I was six and a half hours away, stuff happened. For all the left out peeps, I got this random phone call on my cell phone while I was in Kilgore. People often speak too soon. But all of this is in the past. Now, the future. So what about it?

Zach. I love him to death. He is my friend. My confidant. I found out some news about him. Jennifer knows and so do a lot of other people. That girl, Brittany Banks, stole something from him that he can never have back. Zach knows this. I told that girl, "If you do anything to Zach, anything that will hinder him or hurt him, I will be so bitter towards you." She responded so innocently and believable that the way she felt towards Zach was different and she wouldn't do anything "like that" with Zach like she has done with other guys. Uhhh! But she did mess with him. And now I hurt for him. But things will be okay. Zach and I have already decided. We will get through our battle and will come out strong and better than ever. That is why Zach is my friend, and I love him closer than my brother.

Work is a constant pain in the ass. The lifeguards are real cool though. It's always good to see people that you know too. Umm...yeah, that's all I have to say about that.

There is this whole situation that concerns me that only a few people know about. And they are the only ones who should know. Like I said before, stuff came out during the week of July 4th through the 10th. Whether all of it was true or not, who knows. But, things happen for a reason right? My mistakes make me stronger. My love for someone else makes me stronger. Because of the pain love causes, I am stronger. Whatever happens, have some optimistic attitude, but at the same time, don't be played the fool and tossed to the trash can. Don't be blind in the optimism. Everyone regrets mistakes that they have made. I do. But then there are those things that you just can't help. Like the attraction you have towards one another. Or the unconditional love you have for your friends and family. When someone says they care, they really mean it and I am telling you that I care. I care because I love. I love because that is a part of me. I've seen the after show on the matter. The way all plans were tossed to the dogs and new ones had to be made. Don't justify anything. I've seen the hurt look in the eyes. I've seen for the first time a drained person. Drained of all emotions and of all energy. How I wanted to take it all away .....but I can't. There was a purpose. There always is a purpose. I wish I could tell you everything.

Enough of that. I don't think any of that made sense to you all. But it could to some. that is just what happens when you can't be upfront about things to other people. But hey, that's okay.

Dear Lisa,
We haven't talked in a while. Well, I really don't know you that well, so that makes it okay, I think. I don't know what you think of me, and it wouln't affect me if you were to tell me, but I do want you to know that I would like to be your friend. Especially because you know things about me. Kinda weird, especially because the stuff you heard about me is all from other people. Maybe things would be different if on some random day at some random place I randomly came up to you and randomly said, "Hi, my name is Ramon." Maybe so.

2004-06-29T21:06:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here waiting on Zach.

People change quickly. I already new that though. But, I never realized how fast a person can change and it never occured to me the affect it would have on other people. Especially me. I want to say that I wonder a lot of times about anything, but I don't anymore. My focus is a little off. I deal with it though. I want to wonder again. I have picked up on reading and I enjoy the comfort of words. I enjoy the many similes and metaphors, mostly the games that they play. They cause me to think interlectually and they cause me to dream, to hope, and to create an imaginary world. The neat part about a book is the one reality they create. It doesn't matter the difference in the aspects as far as setting and plot, what stays the same is that author's reality. I like reality and sometimes I hate it. I hate it because I can't deal with it. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how to. But I guess that is something else I have to figure out on my own.

Zach has deifinitely changed on me. And since he has changed, I just shut him up. Or rather, shut him out. I don't like to hang out with him, I don't want to. He is suppose to be my friend, my best friend. But I don't feel comfortable talking to him like a best friend anymore. What I also realize: I probably have changed on him. I keep everything to myself and nobody knows anything. When I use the pronoun anything, I mean stuff like what I think about now a days, what I want to do with my life, or who I hang out with. I guess I live people out and it is hard to keep up. But nonetheless, Zach is my friend and I love him like my friend. He is like my brother. So, I would give him whatever he needs, for his sake.

Work takes up time. I wish I could just hang out with all my friends and do things all the time. I feel like work robs me of that. I get so jealous of groups of friends who hang out all the time because I feel like they have something. I feel like they have these awesome memories, but even more they have this unconditional love for eachother. That is what I want. That's why I always try to get things going with eachother, but it makes it hard when some of my friends don't want to hang out with these friends.

I'm glad that Lisa is cool with me or at least I think she is. I felt so weird meeting her because of what someone had told her about me. It is always awkward not being about to defend yourself. I always try to forget what people say behind my back because their is no point in making that person's words more meaninful. But Lisa is cool and funny as ever. I can't really put into words what type of character she is, but I really don't want to try. Whenever Jennifer arrived and met them, it was so funny because Jennifer was so pumped and Lisa was pumped before, but suddenly Jennifer's energy equaled the energy of everyone else. I mean, Jennifer just kept going and going and talking and wow. But they laughed, and my energy fed off of Jenn's and it was fun. Good times with that. There is more I want to write, but this is long already. Hmmmm. I miss so much.

2004-06-24T22:29:00.000-05:00

Okay guys, you don't have to be so mean about me not posting. Tulsi, I need to call you! I need to call Emily too, but for some reason I haven't.I guess I feel really bad because I haven't been calling ya'll like I should have. I do work a lot though, but no excuses. Sorry :(. Today I spent the day with Jennifer. It was fun. I spent a lot of money though, mostly on myself and those damn VAN WARP TOUR tickets. I hope it is worth it. Even if it is not good, I will make it worth while. I am excited about TSF. I thought it would never come but I finally got this packet in the mail on all this information. Kinda scarry because Theatre has become obsolite in the past few days. Just a few days though because there is always something to be done with THE DRAMA. I'm sad about some stuff. Not real sad, just kinda blah. Then again I am so happy on the inside! I am glad I get to share me with someone. Hmmm, sharing.....that is a thought! So, I hope everything is going well for everybody. My new number is 830-708-7611. I still feel guilty for not calling ya'll. I am sort of intimated to pick up the fun and call you because I don't want ya'll to yell at me. It's bad enough that ya'll want to kill me. Just kidding.

2004-06-21T20:28:00.000-05:00

PEOPLE PEOPLE CAN I HAVE YOU ATTENTION PLEASE???

THERE IS A NEW BLOG FOR ALL TO WRITE ON....WHAT IS IT CALLED...HMMMM......EMAIL ME TO FIND IT OUT AT REAL224@HOTMAIL.COM.....A PLACE TO POSTS THOUGHTS YOU WANT OTHERS TO READ...ABOUT ANYTHING, ANYBODY, ANYWHERE....YES.

2004-06-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

What a great day! I am alone again! I woke up around nine this morning and all I have had to eat was a small piece of a Nutri Grain Bar. I think I might make eggs but the time is going by fast and breakfast to me become old. I went running again this morning and I think I am becoming more toned too. That is what I want, to become more toned and to have more muscle mass. That is actually one of my goals this summer, to gain more weight; to have more muscle, that way I will be stronger. My cousin Jordan and Jessica are visiting from Missippi. They live in this samll town called Hattisburg and they all talk so funny. I love them though. They are staying with my Grandfather whom my family calls Poppi. He is getting and he just purchased a new Kia. Well, we were suppose to go to the movies today, however, the next movie starts at 11:10 and is is 11:03, which ticks me off. I mean, we could still make it if Jordan was here at the house with me. But noooo, he is staying out in forever away Canyon Lake. Oh well. Alishea has awakened. I worry about her sometime. She is actually quite the character, always slappin my butt and cussing at other drivers for every little thing. Nonetheless I love her like a sister. She is so caring and so giving. Wow, I keep thinking of a million and one things. I called Megan Wallace this morning to make sure she knew about the meeting. I am adone. Abrupt. I am done.

2004-05-26T18:36:00.003-05:00

I am at Zach's house and I am absolutely alone. It could be worse: I could be stranded here all night but fortunate enough for me my Father is on his way. I am concerned for Zach. A little upset with him too. His attitude about life and this sudden growth of irresponsibility has caused a lot of us friends to worry about him. Not to mention his new girlfriend. Shall I mention her name? Brittany Banks...oops I mentioned it. I have nothing against this girl. She is cool for the most part and I have known her for a long time now. I think she moved to a different school district once, but my memory is not that good. She is definetly not that innocent. I hope I am not in the wrong for writing that about her. But it is the truth. Zach is innocent. His innocence drives him to rebel, to want to experience drinking, stupidy, and possibly sex. Suddenly, his desires change; his goals now gone; and his life continues to spiral down without him knowing. Or does he? I remember him and I discussing purpose. I always talk about purpose. That is one reason Zach is failing, because of his ignorance to his purpose. I have an ignorance to my purpose. The purpose is small and I think that amazes us both because we are expecting such a heavy load. The purpose is small, but heavy. It is the simple small things that we are needed for. There is not more than one Ramon out there. I hope not anyway. But, there is some crazy purpose for us. It tears at me because I fail in my purpose and so does Zach. I think anyways. Pheonix, Zach's sister, was telling me about this guy named Austin that she knows. She told me that he is never worried about anything. Well, it is not because he doesn't care, but because he knows God will take care of it and that it is all a part of the purpose. Life is a process. I know that, everyone should know that. But I seem to miss all the insignificant things. Going to someone's house and or property to party, is not important. Neither is getting drunk with your buddies. Maybe I should be there to direct people to make the right decisions...that is between me and God. My GOD. Where am I? Hmph. I have so many thoughts. I like to write them down into words, but it takes a long time to do so.

2004-05-26T18:36:00.002-05:00

Look at me, look at me, I really have to pee! Pffft. Whatever dude, get a life. The problem with problems. I say that quite lightly. I can be sarcastic...oh can you? YES I CAN....pfffft! So, everyone...drama....drama....and DIRTY DRAMA....and HEARTBREAK, SHOVE A KNIFE IN MY HEART, A SHOVEL UP MY ASS, 50 THOUSAND SPOONS IN MY BACK, AND A PUBLIC DISPLAY OF MY CASTRATION D*R*A*M*A............... the life and drama of theatre at canyon high school. people people people penis people....omigod! Someone said penis....ehhhh heee heee heee shut up! Dirty fowl language.....hehehhehehehehe! God. should I even publish this? This is not me......this is fowl....wrong...unme....undo me....that type of thing....

2004-05-26T18:36:00.001-05:00

Writing alone today....in my own solitude. Everything that has happened lately. I question life and the mysteries it has to offer. Am I really who I am? Why do I know these people and how come everything that I see is from one view? I can only see as far as my eyes allow me and only as long as my age holds out, for me, for my sake. I do not want to quit. I do not want to stop. All this animosity and malignity is enough to make a sane person vomit. The nerve of a person to blame another person; the urge to fasely accuse; the audacity to act inhumaine towards a soul; the pathetic cold heart it takes to befriend the serpent. To take the viles of poison from them and deliver them to the hearts of the innocent. I shake my head. My face twirls in disgust. Invisible crimson red with the hint of burlap gray, it covers the world in a mirage. With its false hopes and its lack of desire. The killing of a passion and the sacrifice to dine with the hateful, the boastful, the gossipers...the blurred people who steal away the real breathing, living, growing, loving people. They just, take them away. They don't care. They don't feel. They just take. ALL of them. That is the reason for rules. That is the reason for fellowhip. That is the reason for GOD. OH mercy....oh sanctity in this world. How the notes of pure intense maliciousness rock the foundations of the earth. In this world. In the next........world of worlds. The impecable, the unmerciful.....forget it.

2004-05-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, would you notice this new wonderful blogging system. I mean everthing just seems absolutely warm and feeling. Yeah right. What a simple sardonic way of thinking to oblige in the most primitive way. You know what words I will use to personify it: thinking loudly and pestimistacally. You know what, that is exactly what that writer was talking about in the AP practice test. How people use big pretty words to dress up there speech in order to appeal to the interlectual minds of our society. Goodness. This is so dumb. I am at someone else's house doing this stupid blogger. Geez. I really want to write great compositions but I want my own computer before I can do that. Plus I don't have enough knowledge to write a real sophisticated piece of literature. I mean honestly, what does it truly take? The art, the mind, the talent and perseverance. All the hard work of a true writer.

2004-05-08T15:37:00.000-05:00

Blogging has become so unnatural to me...I don't even write anything down in my actual journey. But nonetheless, here I am writing.

Today is prom. At this point it is 3:33PM and I have to start getting ready by four. I am hoping tonight will be fun and relaxed. I mean, prom is gonna be a blast....right? (crickets heard in the background). That girl, Julie, called me eleven times last night...wow! I am in trouble. Even though I specifically told her that me going to prom with her at the LAST minute was only as friends and NOTHING ELSE because I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN HER!!! You see? This is why dances are BAD! UHHHH....what a week. So, now I am concentrating on next year and the fun-filled week in Kilgore, Texas...I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!! yes yes yes! That is all I have to say because I am so glad I got accepted! So yeah...good times, great oldies....

2004-04-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

Here I am sitting in phsyics at the far far corner near the window and the glass door. I sit here and think to myself and the situation I just got myself into. Once again, because I do not think of others or the consequences, I screw my own life over. How ironic. All I wanted to do is to achieve success; I seemed to have failed all my goals for my Junior year and must work 110 percent harder to acheive all my goals next year. I cannot help but think that I have been robbed and mistreatred; judged and ignored. Let me speak people...come on. After the Ashleigh Incident, the way I approach people and the way I act has changed. Or at least I want it too. Now a new problem has arose out of an already dark hazy fog: Mrs. Cox thinks that I have betrayed her and feels hurt. The situation is as follows: Noah Tian explained to me the benefits of a TFA school and wants our school to become a TFA school or a Texas Forensic League scfhool that promotes an extremely large amount of time into competitions that allow students to be exposed and have success. So, I being Ramon Madrid supported this idea and since I will be have a lot of responsibility next year took it upon myself to head the group that will ask our principal for such a person. I therefore typed out a letter and sent it to 10 students. Those students are Emily, Macy, Sarah, Tulsi, Megan, Ashleigh, Julian, Noah, Daniel, and Amanda. The letter basically was asking them to express their interests and support for the speech area in UIL Academics. In order for the teams to convince the principal to hire a TFA teacher or make an already teacher a TFA teacher, a meeting with the principal must be held and the topic discussed thoroughly. The letter was simply there to inform and not to discriminate of put down anyone or anybody. However, that such thing happened. When Mrs. Cox saw the letter she believe I was consipiring against her and that I thought she was not a good enough prose/poetry instructor, which is not the case. In fact, I never considered that as a reason to why I was doing that. She then said she cannot help but think that I am sour because I did not make it to state. I then tried to explain to her that I was really disappointed in myself because of my failures and that those failures push me to try harder. She said I couldn't have tried any harder because I had worked so hard already. But I disagree. I feel like I could have had more exposure and could have been better and now that I have been to regionals I have a better grip on what it takes to achieve state. I just dislike how Mrs. Cox may hold something like this against me and will limit me or judge me. It seems everyone is so quick to judge. I have messed up so much and continue to do so and I am not sure what to do about my life. Even though all this is taking place, I will continue to work hard and will not let any even push me off my path. I probably should have came to her about it first....but I thought she would have been more understanding than anything else. Considering the time and the stress that goes into one act and that maybe she realized that a lot of us students really want to succeed at this. I understand she may feel that something like those letters seem to be a way of us saying that she was a bad director and that she had no part in getting us into state. I mean, I totally have faith in her in all the productions....what deters that faith is when she assumes something or starts gossip or is rude in way she doesn't even realize. I have learned many things in this year alone and all those things are about people. Mrs. Cox is just like all of us students but has happened to be around longer that gives the immediate right to have dominion over us or somewhat anyways. But maturity levels and her attitude toward things are unattractive. I don't know what I want to do. Perhaps maybe I should approach. In my head, I feel like I have ruined my image in her head. Now she thinks I dislike her and that I am against her. And I am not. AT ALL.

2004-04-19T16:49:00.000-05:00

the I am a little anxious as time continues to dwindle down. Mostly because I am desperate to be sponsored for the Texas Shakespeare Festival. It is kinda sad :( tear tear. I really want to go to because it would be so fun.

To all my friends:
WE have had some really cool times. I love everyone of ya'll because ya'll have made my life complete. (HOW CORNY)hehe.

A life of a Thesbian....by RAMON MADRID
DUDE: Omigod. That guy is an idiot(talking behind Ramon's back) He must be one of those thesbians.
CHIC: You would think, that, they would like, try to stay away from, like, normal people, like, ....you know? I am normal, and I would so not, like, hang out with them...(she laughs) ehheeeheee. OW! This pencil bites! I hate bugs!
DUDE: Yeah I know (becomes ashamed and queit)
CHIC: What's wrong?! Are you okay?
DUDE: I have something to tell you(almost about to cry now) I....well....you're my freind right? Well, of course you are....but, you see...brace yourself for this.
CHIC: What are you talking about? There is NOTHING you can keep from me. Come on, like tell me! What is it?
DUDE: Well....I am a....THESBIAN.
...SILENCE...
CHIC: HUH!(puts hands over mouth)NOOOOOO! Not you! Of all people! How did this happen? Who did this to you? I am so so sorry.....(begins to sob hysterically)
DUDE: I know. I have to tell my parents now and I don't know how. I mean, you can't say a word to anybody. But, you see, I get to act in this play...'
CHIC: YOU CAN'T! I won't let you!!! (she storms off)
DUDE: I just want to be myserlf for once. Why won't anyone accept my thesbianess? I am a THESBIAN!(starts looking around in the courtyard and starts spinning with hands up in the air and screaming loudly) I AM A THESBIAN, I AM A THESBIAN!
(then all these other Thesbians dressed in their Thesbianess came out and chanted it together)
ALL: WE ARE THESBIANS! WE ARE THESBIAN! WE ARE THESBIANS!
(suddenly, a huge team of rent-a-cops came running...slowly....down the sidewalk at Canyon High School and started macing all the Thebians and showed no mercy. The large crowd was broken up and Dude was taken into custody....)

REPORTER: There was a sad report today at Canyon High today as Thesbians rioted the school screaming and even worse: ACTING!
PARENT AT HOME: ( GASP!) eh, not my son, not a Thesbian!(crying now)
REPORTER: The New Braunfels Police Department blames the incident on the parents and a special anaylists of this type of thing comments on the event:
ANAYLIST: "Why yes, you see the Thesbians...it is an expression of neglect. Well, they are neglected. I think it is the parents fault too. And then again, it could be an act of GOD."
more gasp are heard....and suddenly a huge mob starts gathering by the thousands at the town square, as chanting is heard:
MOB: We must stop this! Not in our little conservative town....NEVER!!!! THEY SHOULD JOIN THE SWIM TEAM! YES MAKE THEM SWIM, MAKE THEM SWIM!!
meanwhile, DUDE is at the police station...
THE COP: Why did you do it? Why are you a Thesbian and don't you dare tell me God made you this way! I know my rights! I mean....
DUDE:ummm....I know my rights....too. Look, let me be honest with you. Acting is fun and I love dressing in customs and displaying these people...you know, act stupid?
THE COP: HEY ac-ter, or whatever the hell you wanna call it. Do you want a donut? If you eat donuts like the other rent-a-cops, you wouldn't have this "THESBIAN" problem. ya know? Just turn away, turn away from it! You see...... (the cop begans to think of his child hood while he lectures Dude. You actually can see the young cop sitting in class drawing pictures of stages and costumes and dreams of acting. In fact here he is as a young man in a play)

Young COP: "And there at the altar, a sharp knife entering her side. She closed her darknening eyes and raised a cry mourning her son. And as death took her, she called down every evil upon you, the slayer of her son." ( his high school is performing Antigone by Sophokle Aztec Style in front of 2,300 hundred people at the 4AAAA State UIL OAP in Austin. Suddenly, his Dad comes from the audience, who happens to be the Govenor of Montana and pulls his son off stage)
GOVENOR: You should be ashamed of yourself! I thought I could trust you....and instead....you act like you sissy Mom! TO hell with you! (and he storms off stage with his son as the crowd listens in awe.)
( The cop shakes back to reality at the sound of DUDE'S voice)
DUDE: Hey! Hey, Cop! DOONNUTTSSSS!
COP: WHERE?! (breathing hard) What in the world!
DUDE: You just zoned out!
COP: I know. Look, you know what. You do have a right to be a Thesbian. I accept you because I know what it is like. GO ON AND BE A STAR! THAT CHANCE WAS STOLEN FROM ME and it shouldn't be STOLEN FROM YOU!
DUDE: Thank you so much, by God, I will do my best!
COP: THESBIAN POWER (lifts hand out)
DUDE: THESBIAN POWER ( shakes the cops hand)
....ligts fade out....

I am dumb. Wow. DID NOT began this thinking it would be so long....oh well.

2004-04-17T09:15:00.000-05:00

ALright, it's the morning. Sometime around 9:08. . . .WHOA WHOA WHoa. . . .I woke up early. DANG. I keep thinking of all the work i have to do this weekend and here I am writing this. Well, kudos out to the govenor of New Jersey for her promotion to being head of the Environmental Protection Agency this year, especially because when you go to New Jersey their is black clouds and acid rain and you can't breathe, and as soon as you leave the state you'll notice a large lump on your breast. Just a warning. Hey, Texas is one of the only states that teaches its own history. WOW. Crochety is a cool word. It's given to the old people for it's "bent over at the back problems" and for the rigid movement it makes. Congrats to that. Never wake up with beer by your head, your Mom might get suspicious. Hundreds of thousands of years ago (more like millions), a big chunk of South Texas was under water; this area is known to us as the coastal plains. Well, some guy wants to change the name of Corpus Christi to Water World City and show off the anchient past by building a huge dome of water with ionic lasers. Well, I wrote him and asked him to have coffee with me to discuss this. I told him that is awesome and amazing that he wants to bring the historical water thingy to the ideas of society and it is awesome. I also told him that New Braunfels is thinking of changing its name to Veiener Snitchel City of Beer. He nodded in approval. In fact he was so entralled.HEHE, funny word. I thinked he like the huge building designs: a 50 story mug of beer (city hall) and an 100 story weiner(a variety of things. . . .). Take that as you want, this is history in the making.

HEHE. I am stupid. HEHE
BYE

2004-04-12T21:42:00.000-05:00

I dreamed a dream tonight,
It was secret and bizarre.
Beyond the moon lit light,
The soft rain falling hard.

Rain soft, like the dream,
In me, I had a life of love.
Requinted silently it seemed,
Nothing short of a shove.

The groud hard enought to hurt,
The grass soft to the touch.
Staining my white shirt,
Along with blood as much.

Laying there, I dreamed a dream,
A man who loves.
A person lost in heart ache it seems,
A man pushed in with a shove.

Oh how I hate the dreams I dream,
Sometimes they hurt me.
The blood falling to the earth beneath me,
Flooding the land of the dreams.

One last leaf left to loathe,
One breathing beat borrowed,
A single seed saught a sow,
Leaving all love and tainted sorrow.

Dreams no more are dreamed by me,
Giving up on dreams of lost reality.
Now nightmares plague the shadows,
Hauting all the earth, shaking it.

Like an ocean draining into space,
Stars exploding away,
My dreams float into infinity,
Far far forever stay.

2004-04-11T17:36:00.000-05:00

Easter bunnies? Why the heck a bunny?

Rabbits don't even lay eggs. . .that is so stupid! It should be an Easter Hen or an Easter Ostreich or and Easter Alligator(kudos to Pace) or something like that. I hate bunnies. I love food. Easter is boring. I found no eggs or no candy . . .but a lot of other people did. And my parents were mean. . .okay, well they weren't. But, I sat in my room all day, by myself doing whatever I . . . did, cause it really wasn't much. But I do know for sure, that I thought about a lot of things. Yeah. . . like school, and how I still have calculas homework to do. So, bye.

2004-04-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

I passed my training, an amazing sucess indeed. Now I am a certified lifeguard and am ready to save lives. Lives at Schlitterbahn and anywhere else it is needed.

Needs. What do I need? Hm. Help, maybe. A way above. Needs. Who really needs? Eyes are closed now and I try to visualize a happy place. . . and, I can't find one. My heart has been touched before. A long long time ago. In 1997, while I was visiting my Aunt Julie in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I remember it, sitting there in that seat with a spotlight on me. Except, no one was paying attention to me and I didn't care what was going on. I heard that man's voice though, a voice of truth. How could I forget. God, whom I loved then still I love now. Heart opened then, not tightly closed now. Drifting dreams dodge the enemy. Eh. What's new? But then, while I was young and new nothing, I felt God. GOD. . . yes, I felt HIM. I cried too, but not because I was sad, but because I was happy. In the years to come I would do more of that. AND I would shout and weep and pray and give up and let go and fail miserably. And that is okay. Yes, it is. Oh the choices that I have made or gone. GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE are they, the choices that I have made. Why don't I cry now? Why? What have I done to myself and to others? I haven't done anything.

PEOPLE. . .watch out! Watch out for devieving things. . . IF YOU HAVE A FUTURE AHEAD OF YOURSELF . . .MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FAST. . . Don't fall into things that you don't know. PLEASE DON'T. And then blah diblah diblahdi l l ldaioh eiohd. SHEAH.

Like I said. P O I N T L E DOUBLE S.

2004-04-09T21:06:00.000-05:00

A day indeed. I got to see Nora today. She is with some loser and a poor excuse of a guy. I feel bad for her. . .she was all, "As soon as prom is over, I am definitely breaking up with him." Well, Nora, good for you . . .I guess. He is a complete and total wacko; born with the disease I am sure. But now, I don't care about any of that. I mean I do; I hold my friends close to me. I don't think I show it though nor do I say it, but I do. I hate being alone, because when I am, I think a lot. All these memories, situations, and visions of the future attack my brain and I let it. It comes over me but I don't stop it. I pick at everything; the desires that I want; I let a battle wage in the valleys of my mind. I let everything collapse on my shoulders and then I throw it off. The desires that I want have suddenly changed. They are normal desires. I am subtle, I know I am. But as I sat in my room, I couldn't get certain things to make sense and my heart would beat faster with the mystery of it. Almost a fear or a doubt or something that gained my whole body and my whole mind. It is unbelievable, the things, the choices, the craziness of it all, all here at my pity. What do I really want? What I want now. . . will it be what I want in a week? Or what about tomorrow? What if I were to fall in love? What if I were to become vulnerable to more lies? Why should all this matter? Now is now and I don't want to hang on to the things that I don't have. . . but try for the things that I know I can have and the things that I can achieve. Like in theatre and how I can act a character, interpreting the mind of a writer and showing them to an audience. And how I can make people laugh and make someone smile and how I can make someone feel like something. . . isn't that enough? Because it is. . . it has to be. Right?

2004-04-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

Schlitterbahn sucks! I mean, it's fun, but the pay sucks! As a lifeguard, they make you learn a lot of things and then they put you trough hell. I guess you'd have to be one to understand the pain and trauma that occurs. OHHHHHH, screw it all! HeHE, just take over the world. . . . hehe. Ummm . . .nevermind. Try dealing with a big fat women screaming in your face for not letting her sweet innocent precious devilish four year old go down the kiddy slide head first. . . .THAT IS PAINFUL! Not only do you want to slap the women, but you want to scream! Yes, yes, good times forever. Times of fun and laughter and where everything is so pleasant. I am most excited about the fact that I get to turn black again!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! Okay, no.

Today I am going to go see another play. That is what I do, I act and watch other actors act. IT is an acting thing. I AM A THESBIAN AND I AM PROUD!! Okay, yeah.

I realized that I also have a lot of homework that needs to be completed. . . .but I don't want to do it. Oh yeah, according to my mother, I am now an OXIMORON! LOL HA HA.

And my MOM also just announced that we are having pasta salad, corn on the cob (straight from the corn garden), and steak . . .poor poor Betsy, she was a great loving goat. . .oh well. She could hardly anyway! Then again, I don't have any goats. Today, I had to drive my dad and mom around everywhere. They have this fear of me driving. . . I don't know why. . . . but yeah. Alright. Good bye. WHOO HOOO.

2004-04-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

It's time. I have to make some of the biggest decisions in my life; for my safety; for my future; all for me. I hate making decisions! I would rather have everything set for me. Then again, I know the rewards of hard work and deligence and patience and the acceptance of failure.

It is remarkable to me how arrogant and proud people have become. It is so easy to judge one another now, almost as if someone acts in a certain way to entise a person to judge them. That is equal to judging. For instance, lets just say a person wanted you to hate them and not like them anymore, to make it easier on them. We will call this person D6. D6 lies and cheats and thinks it is okay to do those things. They do it for their own sake and that is the bottom line. But what makes it even more unbelievable (speaking for their actions) is how they act. LIKE A DRAMA QUEEN WHO THINKS HER FECAL MATTER DOESN'T STINK! Cut the act and get a real life!

Moving on, I got to hang out at Karen's apartment this last weekend. Talk about being bored a lot of the time, but that is okay. Eventually Virgil and his friend Alex showed up and I, for once, had the chance of talking to other people. Virgil was acting in his usual manner, but a little more snappy and mean. He told me to shut up like a billion times. Alex seems real cool thought, like he has a good head on his shoulders. Basically, he knows exactly where he is going in life and that is cool. I wonder, just by looking at these people, what shapes them even though you don't know the reasons until you become them. Putting that aside since it is impossible, what can a person do to help them in a positive way? Karen helps Virgil in a positive way, by letting him live with her. That takes some kind of heart and kindness. Then again, Karen is awesome and is a good example of what hard work leads too.

This last weekend made me think a lot. I have reached my own conclusions but still remain confused. Communication is of vital importance and leads to new great things. If someone has interest in someone else the best way to find out what happens next is to communicate. Even if it means being the best of friends or just having connections. (I have learned that through experience.) That is what life is about, especially now; it's about these huge piles of experiences that gets distributed to the people of the world. If only I could learn more and obtain the knowledge, I could do many things.

But, one step at a time. . . .decisions have to be made, and I hope I can make them.
What a world, what a place, what a time . . . what is next? Look to the future and move on from the past. I am done now. :)

2004-03-31T21:54:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the big day that I have been waiting for! IT is a time to shine, especially on that huge stage, and a time to do my best. As well for the rest of the cast: DO you Best! No matter what! Break A Leg!!!

2004-03-29T21:25:00.000-06:00

This is a critique I got from a good friend of mine:

Articulatioin was okay but needs work. Tulsi and Jennifer and I had great facials in first scene with Chad, but Ashleigh and Sonia looked like they did not even want to be on stage. Chad, Jade, and I, sometimes lost our intensity in the middle of our monologues even though the pacing was okay. Just be careful and watch out. The opening of the play was awesome and fabulous! This play is much better than the fall play! Daniel did a good job for being thrown in at the last minute. He can do better, but he has done a good job already! The chilam girls need to take off fingernail and toenail polish. Lighting was well, especially with the facility you had to work with. Overall it was good, but it needs work. Just tweaking. Emily did a great job, but face make up did not blend into kneck. In fact, make up needs work. I was sitting in front of Mrs. Cox and volume was bad sometimes. Stay open to the audience. Play was drony. Can see Emily back stage.

2004-03-24T16:18:00.000-06:00

The Lord is awesome!! He is going to do great things!! He already has!! This weekend will be so cool!! Why? Because, it is UIL Academic Competition and I get to go to church!! It is something that I definitely need. I know that. Yeah.

2004-03-23T21:49:00.000-06:00

My eyes are rolling because that is how I feel.
Understand? I wish I did. Today was different. You believed what you heard. . . I know, it is natural . . . it is human nature. We are just flesh. Let me tell you, let me explain to you. I'm free now, don't you understand. Because I do not. I am out of the darkness and stepping into a dim light. IT will only get brighter. Come with me? Don't stay here, I don't think I could protect you here. I am not able. I would fall. But if you come with me, then maybe, perhaps, we both can be free. I don't know how to express myself to you or how I can reveal my pain. But I do know, that God is waiting for both of us. He is waiting for us to let go. I am tired of holding on to this. . . I don't want it. It is not for me. It is perilous and deathly, so deathly. So much for the flowing of spirits and what else than love? Hate is so powerful and I can not hate. I feel accused and pointed at; someone who doesn't even know me is forcing me against the wall, into some shame that I never commited. Oh, if you only knew. If you only could know. But I don't even know. And I am sorry. Let us move forward though. There is a future waiting for the both of us and I will be there, in your future.

To A. Dera.

2004-03-18T15:34:00.000-06:00

GONE

2004-03-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

DOUBLE GONE

2004-03-17T17:26:00.000-06:00

The clouds move swiftly into place as they darken the sky; it turns to a burlap grey covering all the earth jet black. The shadows creep over the moutains and deprive the valleys of light. Pitch blackness circulates through the rippling tides of the river. The animals retreat into their shelters fearful for their survival. No harm here in these seconds; no harm to come; unless the mind has been convinced. From the dying of the sun dies the hope of life and the wondrous sensations of the human mind. The human mind and nature. The flowers no longer bloom in the meadow and the rain falls hard, hard with hail. IT blankets everything. The clothe is thicker than the blackness and the silence still echoes. Everytime a sound is heard, the sound of tearing rips the mind back into reality. Sick perverted reality. It grabs all the hearts and all the souls bringing them down to the dirt. The dirt that is walked on and thrown, the once living dirt that's used to grow new life. For now, the valley remains dark and unknown. Not even the smartest scientist could give a reasonable explanation for the happenings. But men or stupid and arrogant. Men fall to the simplest things and in all their glory they cannot overcome the smallest tests. And their whole soul sways forwards and backwards and all they can do is smirk and laugh and pity themselves, until they let reality whip them again. Then they fall to their knees and they weep. They try so hard to cry but all that gets out is the moaning. They fall into themselves and pray for death. They pray for the end of this. The thoughts of the years, the hours; all that has come and gone, it goes, it floods the mind. IT holds it captive. But there remains that hope. That tiny bit of faith. . . loving dear faith that brings a man to compassion to mercry. In all the darkness, there is a conquering of evil. The promise is a promise; it's already the biggest exisiting truth. It's uncomprehendable. In the final chapter, the blanket is burned to the earth and light shines once more. Happiness is restored and love forever there. No mourning, no sadness, no weeping, no pity, no lies. . . . . . . peace.

2004-03-16T20:41:00.000-06:00

I have to call the cast now. But I am waiting. I want to call a certain somebody, but I don't know if that person will have time for me. I am completely......huh, I don't know. Just not myself. I don't know. I can say so many things and be honest. Truth....yes....

Dreaming alone night after night in vain. Could that vanity be inverted into another blossoming flower? Or will that hope whither away too? My heart is fragile; it never hardened. My heart yearns. . . . it yearns. . . .and it can't. . . . have what it wants, what it loves. All this agony locked away in a single soul; imagine the devastation, the continuing pain. But, I try still. . . .I try to have a good day, every day. It comes with the morning when I wake up. I think to myself of the desire in my heart and somehow manage to get dressed and to catch the bus. I manage to laugh with other people and to make them laugh; I manage to do my work; I manage to act with a passion not found in every human being; and God, I just manage to live my life day by day. Passion or no passion, love or no love, I am alive and will keep moving forward with it. As much love as I have to give, I will never love the same way. . . .

That much belonged to you.

2004-03-14T12:56:00.000-06:00

Instilled in the heart of so many, is this
Life that continues forever and ever.
Only to thine ownself be true; honesty is
Valued over everything, because love is truth.
Even in death is there truth
Yearning to be set free, never approached by iniquity.
Only fear can end that love,
Unless that love never ends, will love conquer.

2004-03-13T20:24:00.000-06:00

So far . . . so boring. Wish it weren't though. I am hungry. . . yes.

The harsh realities of death:

The reality of what's physically there and the soul that is not.
The reality of ignorance, bliss, and truth.
And finally, the reality of what once was, will never be again.

These are the things that cause us to question the world and its death. The death of the world draws nearer. Hopefully the death of me is closer than the death of the world. But I only speak that to myself. . . it has no meaning.

I just would like to feel free for one day.

I would like to be happy.

I am not happy right now.

Happiness is so far away from me, then again, it's not. Maybe I am refusing to reach out and grab that happiness for myself. But I don't wanna let go. I refuse to let go. I am buried with the darkness of it and it is in me flowing like my blood. And why would I want to drain my own blood? It would kill me! It is like the suicide of the world; draining the seas, causing absolute chaos.

But the potential is definitely there to be happy.
One day I will be. I just have to hold on and hold on and hold on. . . oh, please rescue me. I need to be rescued. I am so tired of life. I am tired. So tired. I just want to lie down and sleep . . . sleep forever. Never to return, gone . . . gone.

But, that wont happen. I would rather get back up covered in mud, then lose this fight. I have the victory. At least I know that much.
At least I have that little bit of faith left.
I can. I will. I must.

2004-03-12T23:01:00.000-06:00

I saw pictures. Nice pictures.

I wonder if things will work out. Something must be up because of the responses recieved. Kinda cool actually. . . enough about that.

It'd be cool if you' call me every once and a while.

2004-03-12T22:59:00.000-06:00

I know what you are talking about. I see straight through you words. I can hear the secrets you hide in them and the way you actually act. IT is so real to them but so fake to you. The way you move and smile, the way you talk and laugh; how long will it be before they know?

They whisper around you their suspicions and even the best defense can't salvage your reputation. It's too late. What is done is done. Don't worry though, you are a person of great strenght and of great virture. Go the distance! You will too. I am just saying, don't hide yourself in shadows that show more things about you then in the light. Run from the light you may, but it wont help any.

2004-03-12T21:42:00.000-06:00

Thinking. . . NO.
Wondering. . . .YES I AM.
Hopeful . . . . UMM, I can still DREAM.
Tired . . . . MUCH SO.
Stressed. . . . BEYOND REPAIR.
Loved. . . . I AM.
Lover. . . . I DO LOVE.
Lost . . . . ON CERTAIN THINGS.

I don't know. I want to write what I am feeling, but I can't. I am just fustrated once again. I miss a lot of things. I look to the future and ask, "What does it hold?" I want it to hold something amazing, I really do. And I don't understand why I have to write in this damn journal. I had recently thought about totally stopping because I want to write more personal stuff than this, but then again typing is a lot faster. Oh yeah, I heard a rumor from a someone who heard it from someone else who heard it from you. It is not a pleasant one either but I have not believed it yet because of the mouth from which it came. As if you could hurt me even more, oh wait, you can.

LA LA LA LA KEEP GOING LA LA LA LA

2004-03-11T18:47:00.000-06:00

I am eally friggin tired right now. HA. Okay, no not really. Actually I have no idea. My eyes hurt. No they don't. Nevermind, it is my jaw really, but I don't know why.

Okay. Today was pretty crappy. It always starts with English and then spreads its way to the rest of the day. I cfan't remember if I actually had fun or not. Well, Veronica today was all, "Why do you have to be so gorgeous?" I was like, "Uh. . . I dunno." Cuz, I really didn't, but that was nice of her to say that. . . I think it was. Whether it's true. . . ummmm, I question that. But ya know? She's a sweet girl and pretty nonetheless. . and she is. . . single. HA HA. Yeah, I am dumb. OH well.

2004-03-11T18:32:00.000-06:00

WHY IS THIS COMPLICATED . . .ehh, I am just really really DUMB. HA HA. AT least I know it.

2004-03-10T23:23:00.000-06:00

the Heart breaking news: Two people have losts their lives in a single crash. . .not an ordinary crash. Hold on . . . .the news is just coming in . . and we . .are.. . . contact. . .is .. . .being . . . . . . .(END)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

<<<<<<<<<<<>WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?<>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Just wait. . . .wait. . .wait. . . .wait. . . .pain.hell.hurt.lost.love.peace.joy.happiness.security.
rejection.breakup.destruction.withrawn.stress.smoke.haze.fog.gas.death.sickeness.
blessings.devastation.immorallization.demonization.loss.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.
hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.turns.into.nothing.because.it.never.existed.you.want.
to.hate.but.you.cant.because.you.love.too.much.like.me.i.love.too.much.and.now.i.
am.hurt.hurt.hurt.hurt.hurt.hurt.hurt.hurt.rescue.survival.love.me.again.the.way.they.
were.before.the.sun.set.in.the.dawn.a.century.ago.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>RESTORED<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2004-03-10T21:23:00.000-06:00

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

2004-03-09T22:58:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling kind of sick right now. Not like an illness but that stressful sickness in the stomach, almost as if wanting to barf out the insides. Once again, I am sad. I stopped asking, "Why?" and moved on from it. IT is out of my head. It is still in my heart though. I think less about it now. Last weekend was a weird incounter. Didn't say a single word to me. . . so I just left. I was their for maybe two minutes. But, I got over that too.

I don't know what I want I guess. I have ideas. While on the phone with Pace, I drew hundreds of arrows in different directions on this note pad. It represented the hundreds of choices that I could make. I also wrote in my journal. Dang, time sure does pass by. My parents are gone and it is just Alishea and I. We ate at Taco Bell after I tutored Mrs. Platt and went to a little bit of rehearsal. I wonder about too many things. Just breathe. . . . slowly breathe. I am sad again. It will pass soon I hope. That is all I can do. Just let it pass. One day, someone will help me up. I hope.

2004-03-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

I don't get this. . . hold on. HHMMMM

2004-03-05T20:48:00.000-06:00

I just now got home. . . and rehearsal went well (pull sleeves up) and I think tomorrow will be alright with ONE ACT. (Think positive) I hope that I am able to pull off this acting because I am working hard to bring this character to life. But at the same time, (rub nose) I can't understand some of the things that I say or some of my actions. But, we have three weeks (roll eyes and shuts thems whispering a small prayer) until district and I pray to God that we work even harder than we are. I want to so bad advance out of district. . . (and I want people to leave the contest thinking about how awesome the acting was in ANTIGONE) it would be a let down to our school if we did not. Especially because of our reputation. Everything will go well. . . .life is a wonderful thing. And I like what I do. I enjoy acting and performing (smiles). . . the movements and the expressions (thinks of the passion) . . .the sadness and the happiness (smiles meaningfully) . . . .the interpretation. . . . the life(sighs with a twinkle in the eye).

2004-03-03T17:20:00.000-06:00

I'm listening to country; to good ol' Garth and his songs about Rodeos. I myself have never been to a rodeo. I mean, I've seen the livestock . . .but that's about it.

Then there is this song: hold on, I have to go put it on. . . it's called Wrapped Up in You. I like it a lot, mostly because of the words and what it means. . . but an even better song with words about love, is this one by Tim McGraw, called My Best Friend. And if you have ever loved or been loved, then when you hear this song, it means something to you, especially when someone wants you to hear and mean it in that sort of sweet loving way that you find between two lovers.

Today was another crazy day. Between falling asleep and having way to much energy; I got lost in my work and what I was doing. The day just went by so fast! I thought about the same thing as usual . . . but this whole "love" issue has constantly been on my mind. And it does not help when my English research project is on love. But I like love, because it is such a beautiful beautiful thing. . . .and to be loved, is probably one of the greatest feelings in the world.

It is this totally different and awesome power that exists between two people that draws them close together and binds them, and nothing can break that love. . . except if that love is hindered. Maybe hindered by fear. Fear is a lie and it lies to you. Be careful, because the Fear will steal that love from you and cause more pain than any comfort. Once you love and that person loves you back, hold on to them and never let anything grow between you . . . because you never know what will happen next. . . something that may split you apart . . . and it leaves you empty and with a broken heart.

2004-03-01T22:10:00.000-06:00

PACE, you are so friggin' awesome!!!

2004-03-01T21:32:00.000-06:00

What a day! I skipped school . . . it's only my second B-day. but nonetheless, I am in huge trouble with my mom. My father and mother seem not to believe me anymore, but I did say "seem" so I could just be jumping to conclusions really fast. Then again, I don't jump really high or really far and I don't move fasts, so. . . .hmmm, I have a problem. I wonder how many people admit to their problems. Speaking of which, OMG!! Today in theatre there was so much DRAMA. Makes sense, DRAMA in THEATRE! UHHH, theatre does not have drama . . .wait, YES it does. Okay okay, what happened was the Chilam was trying to work on dialogue and making it sound unison. But, I feel like we should have been doing that and working on our emotion. So, the first thing we did was sit down and we analyzed the literature and talked it out. So yeah, we then worked on articulation which included putting a stupid wooden crap pencil in our mouth and saying our lives. . . Yeah it was weird. We laughed so hard when instead of saying "THEBES" we said CHEBES in our full stage voices ! Oh, yeah, such idiots! So we moved on, and tried to "work" on our dances, which consisted mostly of sitting around and making jokes. Before that though, I was getting fustrated because we were not putting any emotion into the dialogue and it sucked. I was trying to tell them that but Ashleigh and I kind of "argued" which wasn't really argueing because it's me and Ashleigh, come on. . . we are like awesome friends. So Mrs. Cox was there and got fed up . . to make things short, she told us to leave before rehearsal was actually over, she told the whole Chilam that is . . . so we all went outside and talked about how we all need to put in effort and crap like that; led by KREON and ANTIGONE herself (Wow, is was a true honor, thank you soooo much!). And also about how Mrs. Cox is fed up with us, and how we are all angry and crap. It is so dumb. But oh well. I left my dang cell phone in the theatre room. I love theatre and acting, I mean it is awesome. . . you get to do stupid things and . . .stupid . . . ummm, well, act like dummies. . .and. . .okay there is a serious side to it too . . .I mean we all cry like babies. . .and, okay, no we don't do that. . .we all like water. Yeah, so we do have somthing in common! YES! I was so scared for a moment there. There was something else .. . .okay no there wasn't.

Then again, if people really knew what was happeing in my life, then maybe they would understand why I am so "blah". With my parental situation I "seem" to be having, I am just not gonna say a word, "WORD!" If they ask me a question and I feel like the answer is applicable and understandable to them, then I will answer honestly. But, anything else. . . NO! I just can't say anything to do them and that is how I feel. The choices I make our MINE and no one else's and just because I can't say a reason as to why I made that choice does not mean a thing! So yeah, that is that. GOOD. FINE!
By the way Emily, we are the best of friends and I mean that. I just have always kept to myself about life and stuff. As long as we are friends. . . no matter what.

2004-03-01T13:42:00.000-06:00

Well, I don't really know how to begin with this issue.

I just don't know about a lot of things and the way I think is not the same as others. I tend to "think," about it a lot and try to make sense out of things. You have got to understand, I do not talk to people about my problems because I choose not to. Because, they are mine and I have to deal with them in the best way that I know how. You see, you are my friend Emily, you are one of the best friends that I have ever had and I am glad that we are . . . honestly and sincerely ("You gotta be sincere, you gotta be sincere . . .") Remember that song?! I am sorry that I don't show things well or that I don't let you know what is going on in my life . . . but, you have got to trust me and my decisions. I am not going to do something dumb or life threatening . . . I will be there for you and we are still best buds. There are just things about people that you'll never know about, but that is what makes a person special. Love ya Em!

2004-03-01T13:25:00.000-06:00

I don't hate. . . I can't hate. I care to much. Everything about you brings a smile to my face and I continue to smile. There seems to be few things in this world that make me feel good inside and loved . . . and one of those things is you. I turn to you to make me smile and you do. I don't like fake people or people who are inconsiderate; they deserve other fake people so they can live with an empty heart, because if it's not real then that is all it will ever be . . . empty. I told you, we have something great . . . and it can only get better. It's you who I want . . . I want you because of the way I feel. Those feelings are real and I know it is. The love is deeper than the ocean and reaches further out than the furthest star. You have my heart. There is no confusion of my part. If anything, I will wait . . . I'll wait until you finally make a true loving decision, one that is from your heart. My love for you will not change but will only grow stronger and on and on and on and on and on it will continue . . . because I love you. . . ALWAYS.

2004-03-01T13:15:00.000-06:00

This last weekend . . . I don't know what to think. I have never been around a crowd with drugs, as if that is their life and all they will ever know. It shocked me in two ways: That these people do exists and that for once I felt above these people in how I was able to say "NO," as if I was saying "NO," to a piece of gum being offered by a friend. SO yeah, life keeps going and there are plenty of people just itching for the oppurtunity to screw it up.

2004-02-26T00:04:00.000-06:00

It's late and I can not type a lot. I found out the reason as to why Alishea is staying with us again. It is a sad story concerning love. The topic of love has been awakened more than once and costantly rises as a giant into my thoughts. Time is short now and it is in that short time that those small decisions make the greatest affects and differences.

2004-02-24T00:53:00.000-06:00

So yeah, more lives continue to be affected it seems. Alishea is coming to stay with us sometime or at least my Mom tells me. I don't understand how her life could be hard for her . . . something really bad must have happened. She seemed so happy with Eric and so happy with his kids, as if this is what she really wanted. This is how life is. . . weird and crazy . . .and so confusing!

2004-02-24T00:42:00.000-06:00

The unbelievable pressure of competition comes harsh when close to the actual performance. The UIL OAP 2004 casts of "Antigone" has been reheasing for a long time now and this Wednesday will be the first time to perform the play that we expect to take to state, in front of the public. The main thing is the critique we get from the judge and hopefully it is of the greatest blessings.

Setting takes place in a normal room with the normal material things. Depending on what you make of the character, you can add certain things that matches the persona. Interpretation of this monologue is in the words, but in the end, it is up to the performer to interpret it.

"I wonder what he is thinking . . . I wonder what he feels. begans to realize the loss something great. I sit here on my bed, in my room, and as I lie down to sleep; I just continue to think about everything. moves towards the window and stands an inch from it. Yet, my yearning for this . . . this right here; the very view that stands before me. . . this picture of life. smiles at reflection in the glass. Then again, I think of the amazing love that once was there and how it is gone. . . and I scream! at this point, bangs the glass window, and forgets about the pain . . .sees the glass fall in its broken flakes. Even though I wanted that one picture of the world! Even though . . . I had wanted you more! More than anything! And it is gone! begins to sob wildly in desperation; knocks over books and the lamps; grabs the chair and throws it against the wall. Walks over to the bookshelf and pushes it out of place . . .screams even more and falls to knees sobbing. . . just sobbing. I thought the love was real . . .I was fooled because I am a fool; blinded; immersed; and full of stupidity! I dreamed this. . . I dreamed this mess for myself. Look at what I have created . . . Oh no! No way! I could not have done this without you. looks at the window once more. . . At least now I have my view, and the fresh air to go with it."
>

2004-02-23T00:48:00.000-06:00

It's finally over. Not an uncertainty anymore. Atleast a decision was made and I hope for the better. I personally want it back. I want that person to come back to me. But, you cannot have it all. The crazier part about this whole thing now is how we are able to still be friends. You and I, still friends? That is better then not talking to each other at all. We are gonna have so much fun in the future. I am a crazy person who says stupid things so it will be a blasts . . . I promise that much. So, yeah; good luck to your future as well as mine.

As for my other friend (no names mentioned for the sake of humility), you are quite a character and I know exactly what you are thinking (ehh, you know what I am talking about). I know you will read this and that is why I am typing. Well, read! Okay okay, things will be great. All the world will come crashing down eventually, but not today, and not tomorrow. . . who knows? Who cares? LA la, la la la, wut-ev-er. whew!

And my dear friend Ashleigh, I hope all things work out for you too, because you deserve a good life. I enjoyed conversing with you and especially for all the jokes we made. We are so clever and sarcastic! Well, yeah. . . things are gonna be different for you and for me, and it is weird how it happened at the same time. Thanks for being my friend!

Love all of you all . . . and I do not hand over my love freely, so the you all is for the people who know I love them!

2004-02-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

Guess what? Nothing much really . . . hah! I wish nothing was up. Okay, no; wait, I totally take that back. I just want things to be better. That's what I desire for all the people that I know right now . . . I want things to be better for them. And for the people that I do not know, well too bad; that is until I know you.

Oh man. . . it is sickening and messed up. The whole situation, the whole view of this disgusting vulgar picture. The paint strokes smell of garbage and the lines are weak and faded. They have one meaning: pain with pervertedness; a possessiveness that overtakes the whole body driving it to do insane actions. What was he thinking? Was he so caught up in himself that he did this?

Why people, why? Give me an answer and a reason, because this has gone to far and enough is enough . . . . in this event.

In another event. . . I do not quite understand; you call me your prince and yet you never call me. WHAMMY, sounds iffy to me. So you may be busy, but to busy for me? To busy to be nice of enough to tell me how your day went and then maybe ask me how mine was. A thing called, "caring". You said things will not be the same now and I said, "Then what is the point". Well, the only reason why they cannot be the same or better is because you will not let it be. You cannot get past yourself right now and it affects me and others too. I hope you actually care about me enough to see what you do to me. And have you been a jerk lately? Yes you have! I am not gonna lie, but be honests. This is wrong what you do to me and how you treat me. Ignoring me like this and telling me how you do not care. IT is wrong for you to make me wait or to drop me like you did. It is fustrating too. . . and since you do not call me, what I am to do now?

Think about it, and care for once.

2004-02-18T15:57:00.000-06:00

School has just been let out, only this time it was by the ringing of the fire alarm. This has been the 2nd consecutive day that the fire alarm has sounded near the end of school. Suppose there is really a fire burning some where in the building, then what? The fire alarm would go off and no one would pay any attention to it because they all think it is just another false alarm. If people would use common sense.

"COMMON SENSE!? What is wrong with you! Don't you have any up there in that brain of yours? I'm sure you do! You seem to know everything, but this common sense thing just keeps passing you by! I tell you! You better get your act together and you better do it fast!"

Oh yes, good times in the world of experience. The sun is actually out right now and its massiveness plunders every object. The Texas and American flags are being taken down right now. They flutter in the wind as they fight to stay floating. People work diligently to take the flags off the hooks and now to fold them being careful and attentive. In my Calculas class, those two flags are right in front of the windows. There is not much to look out these windows, and since you can not move a window all you can do is spectat out the same one.

That is not what I do. Instead, I look out the window and make a whole new perspective out of it. I dream of the future and how different it would be from right now. . . this instant. Will I fell the same way? I already know that age and growth comes with the future, but I mean, what is so phenominal about it? There has to be a reason for all the education and all the training besides trying to survive. I guess all of this is just too real. That is why people fail. They do not realize how real life is.

"In one second, a whirlwind can tear down a house!"
"You sound excited."
"Think of it; that one fragment of time interrupted by the utterance of destruction!"
"But what about everything else in time. I mean the people and the life of those people. They mean something."
"I suppose. Everyone has a soul; everyone has feelings. It is so amazing to me! The differences; the imaginations; the simplicity. . . what to do with it all."
"I think of life as this box . . . .and then . . .I realize it is not just about the box . . .or about its fine edges or even what is in it or on the box, just what happens to it and what its purpose is."

Everyone has a purpose . . . people just do not find it. Maybe because they do not search for it or maybe because they do not want it. They abandon who they are and what they could become to be some thing else; mostly for happiness. Look out all the windows that you see, but do not just look at the things that are there; instead, try and find the things that are not there. Try and imagine being on top of a mountain looking over the world as far as you can see. That in itself will not hurt.

"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended.
That you have but slumb'red here,
While these visions did appear.
But this weak and idle theme,
Nothing more but a dream."

2004-02-17T22:30:00.000-06:00

Right now, things are weird. I suppose they have every right to be. What has the right to be? Well, people have a right to a choice and time has a right to move on. In all actuality, none of these things could be stopped. Now I understand a little better; how things work in the realm of life. Choices are made because they want to be made, not because it is forced. In some cases, choices are made because they have a gun pointed to their heads, but none the less, it is made. That is it . . . would it be the same to have total absolute control over somone? To control their decisions? As compared to them making the choice on their own? NO, it is not the same. That is what makes us different; it is our right. You can not force someone to love. . .

So what do you do? When it happens, what can you do? Look to the sky again and pray for rain? Or do you hide in the dark? Perhaps you find a nice cliff and stand a few inches from the edge, blankly starring at it.

For me, I think about it . . . and depending on the situation, I react to it and let it seep into me. Whatever it is, it would probably break me, just like when porcelein falls from a shelf. Quite coincidentally, it was a friend that pushed it off . . . on purpose.

I hope things do not carry on like this . . . maybe things will get better. I want them too. But think of it this way-if this is happening now, will it continue to happen? What is holding you back from doing this again, because I know that I would not do it to you. What are you afraid of? Being hurt? That is not my intention. I do not have that kind of personality for that . . . I have no reason to be dishonest with you. Dishonesty is bad and is for losers. Breaking peoples hearts for selfish reasons is just as bad too. But then again I do not know much about that kind of stuff. . . just enough as to where I can talk about it.

Either way, life continues. Maybe tomorrow will be a huge change, a new era of miracles. There has to be a plan . . . a big picture.

2004-02-16T01:47:00.000-06:00

Okay . . . I lied about not typing till tomorrow morning. If I had waited about thirty more minutes, then maybe I would not be lying. So, the plot thickens and this weekend has definitely become more memorable. It is about to end . . . at leasts all this talk seems to be pointing that way. So why is it going to end? Because of a promising security from the eyes of the public. Good for that!

A what? A revelation . . . a change from the old ways to the true ways. That is what this is basically about. Well, I can't say I want to kill you or that I hate you. I don't even wanna see you cry or keel over from regret, I just want you to be true to me and not to lie. I want you to make a decision considering how my heart is still yours. What do you want in your life? What is it that makes you who you are? It is so amazing to me how you can not for the sake of your life give your full attention to me when I talk to you on the phone. You were two different people a while ago at the same time. You have successfully confirmed the insane possibility of being two people at once. Fooling two people: One who thinks you are flirting and being sweet and funny, while the other talks about something serious that concerns you and you stay silent and type. I'll just wait . . . as sad as that is, I am going to wait. IT is like you are going to pick the better scenario as if the love that is there (or at least should STILL be there) does not matter. You even wrote me and e-mail that included this:'I still LOVE you.... forever and always'. So, what are you going to do? All I knew for sure is that you said you loved me and I thought you meant it. I hope you meant it and I want you to mean it now . . .right now. After all the risking and the laughter and the love, you see something else and go for it. Well, if that is what is going to help you and is going to save you, then go for it. Do not let me hold you back. Figures that I would be the first one to say that. One more thing . . . I still love you; there's no denying that.

2004-02-15T22:12:00.000-06:00

The only souce of light comes from the illumination of the computer screen that glares back at me as my eyes follow the words that I type. When I look to the right, my eyes flow over the texture of the desk then to the window, which I know is cold. When I look out there, I see more darkness and the faint glow of the outside front porch light as it gently hits the bark of the crooked trees. I wonder what is out there right now, maybe some extraterristeal life form; one of those little fur ball aliens with three legs and five eyes. The ones that make that high shrilled shrieking noise. Perhaps this creature sneaks its glance at me as I type and grows curious as to what I am writing about. Suppose that it found out how my words created him; an imagination of one human being.

The rest of the house is dark right now, besides the light in the kitchen over the stove, and the closet light I left on in my room before I came to the computer desk. My goal was to began this Enlish III AP project that is due tomorrow. My parents are already asleep and I must work to keep from typing to load or from annoying my Dad, because as soon as he stirs from his slumber, he'll kick me off for sure. In fact, I here him stirring right now.

I can not help from typing right now; so much has happened since Friday, it is almost unbelieveable. All the things that I want to write about wil not be written because that is for me to know. None the less, I had to tell all the readers about how I got arrested for stealing snow and the tears that I cried on Sunday morning. The levels of emotion that I experienced are those that I could not forget. Mostly because of how they affected me and how they broke me down to a wreck. I do not understand a lot of things and that is why I write; to try and make sense of it all. Some people may think that it is a waste of time; that is great because you are entitle to that opinion. The only I consider myself as making sense of situatios is when I see my words and understand them. Thus, it is not often that I make sense, the same for the situations.

It all began Thursday night, on the 12th (the day before the 13th). Nothing to extradoinary about the day except that I was still in San Antonio that morning. The air was nice and frigid and once again, nothing encouraged me to do anything. Besides, watching television was boring and Virgil had left for school early which meant no company. Therefore, I simply went back to sleep and dreamed. I can not remember those dreams, that is way to far back, but I do know that I ended up calling my dad and telling him how I was ready to get picked up. He said he'd be on his way. Of course, being so tired and lazy, I just laid right back down and slept some more. Time passed and I finally awoke sometime after noon. The apartment was cold, I remember that. Virgil's room was so messy I had to watch where I stepped until I finally made it out of his bedroom door. It was like watching for land mines in a jungle during war. That is when I decided to take a shower, so I got ready to do that, while I was packing my clothes and trying to make his room look decent again. Eventually, all was well and my dad knocked on the door, "BAM BAM BAM!" I nearly pissed in my briches when I heard these. When the apartment is silent for such a long time, any noise that loud would make the hairs on your head stand up. I ran down stairs to the door, dodging the pile of towels and ripped the door open to find my father just chillin' there in the cold. This made me of course hurry up even more, so I quickly said, "Hey Dad, come inside and sit down, I'll be right back because I am still packing." So he came in and I guess because cartoons had been on my mind, I found the remote to the television and turned that on and said, "Here you go, watch some cartoons, I'll be down in a sec." Off I went, running around. My Dad just stood there and tried to talk to me as I hurried. I ended up making a pepperoni hot pocket from Karen's freezer (one of two left) and grabbed a mountain dew. My father and I finally took off and went Loop 1604 home. When we were passing De Zevala, I had wanted to ask my Dad if we could stop by at Virgil's High School so I could give him a thank you letter I wrote for Karen. But then, I was like, "Ahh, Oh well."

After finally making it home, I immediately made plans for Friday and Thursday because I was not about to be alone all weekend.So, I called Emily, who has become a closer friend to me than any other girl in a long time. I believe the only close friends that I have that I speak to a lot are Pace, Emily, Zach, and Virgil. Everyone else I speak to fairly often.

As a side note, right now at 10:01PM, I am so tired, but I started this and now I feel like I have to finish it.

Okay, so anyways, on Friday Emily and I went to the mall. It was fun and definitely a riot with all the different types of people we saw. Mrs. Bushnell was driving and Derek was in the passenger seat while Emily and I sat in the back. There is just something about Emily that really is awesome. I know she will probably read this but I am not typing these things about her just to get browny points. I am simply making an observation. Emily has that pretty natural blonde hair that I a lot of girls spend money on trying to mimic it. All through out the strands of silk lie different shades of it giving this eye catching affect. It does say in the Bible that a women's hair is her glory. I remember asking her if she liked her hair long or short and she really did not answer my question. Although she did tell me that she once had long hair and had just recently made it that short. I really can not remember all the details. So anyways, we all went to North Star Mall which is off Loop 410. North Star Mall is the biggest mall in San Antonio and even has the biggest cowboy boots in the world, so it attracts a lot of shoppers. A landmark success for land developers every where for their successful location. Anyways, as we were approaching our destination, we took the San Pedro exit instead of the McCollough exit which is further down. Well that exit just led to more traffic so we decided to find our own route to the mall which ended up in us just getting us losts. That is how this story got told: "While we were going to the cemetary, we saw window washers washing windows on this big building next to I-10, while it was pourind down rain. We could not see but ten feet in front of us." After finding our way back to the highway via the access road of 281, we parked on the mid 1st level parking garage of Dillards. That is when we all decided to split and meet back in front of Dillards at 3:30. SO, Emily and I took off leaving Mrs. Bushnell by herself. Of couse, we could not even find our way out of the store. . .. okay, I am getting tired of typind and I do not know why I have to include so much information, but I hope I remember it all tomorrow. Please let me remember it. I will try to type the some more of it tomorrow morning. Whew.

2004-02-11T11:51:00.000-06:00

I am alone again and the apartment is silent. I left the upstairs restroom light on which also keeps the noisy vent working that does not do a good job of ventilating. I woke up not to long ago and had no intention of waking up. Ever since 8:15 I been drousy and dreamy, a little perplexed about life. I also recieved three phone calls: one from Publishers Clearing House (I think that is the name of it), another from Emily, who is now in San Antonio and is actually very close to where I am staying at, and the last from Karen, the lady who allowed me to stay in her apartment all these days. So, I found that I have qualified for the finals with the Cleaing House and may win 50,000, that is if, of course, I have a credit card. So I bluntly told the sweet unknowing lady, "I am still a minor." "Oh, okay . . .ummm . . .well, thank you for your time," she quickly said before hanging up. Makes me ponder, "Did I really qualify for 50,000 dollars?"

I feel bad for Emily and I hope she is going to be okay today. She is such a great girl and I admire her audacity and her personality. I believe she deserves some one who can take care of her and make her happy; she needs that. She probably is at the funeral, crying. I told her it was best for her to go, at least for the closure and to remember. "Remember what?" All the things that were left unsaid and all the things that were mentioned. Remember the laughter and the smiles, remember the trials. Do not forget who he was or what he did and what he wanted. Hold on to the things that you know and move on.

Death is hard, it is painful, and it is one of the worst phenomenons on the face of this planet. Humans have accepted it, so it is not so weird or unexplainable. Death happens as all things happen.

I suppose I should probably pull that chicken out of the freezer like Karen asked me too. Then I need to call the Men's Wearhouse about cancelling my tux since I won't be graduating anymore which bums me out completely. Especially after telling so many people about how awesome the show would be. It is mostly the fustration that bonks me out, because when there is a lack of communication between the people in charge and the people who pay the money and who need to be informed, it causes a lot of stress. That is exactly what happend.

My dad said he was going to wait to come and pick me up. I think that is fine, considering the weather is bad and I am in the city that has the unsafest roads in America. Honestly, home is not my objective. I want to have fun. I would like to stay here and see what happens. Unfortunately, the high school students here in the North Side Independent School District do not have a winter break. So, that is why I am alone right now or else I would be doing something fun. Instead, I am just here and alone and I have to entertain myself. "Hey, you can act." "Why yes, yes I can. But that is not what I mean by entertaining myself." In fact, Karen has direct tv, but television is so boring and pointless to me. It does not help me to have fun.

I also got to talk to Kimberly and Mellani last night. I have not spoken to either of them in about three weeks now. Mellani would call me occasionally but I never responded to her phone calls. SO, while I was at that class last night, Kimberly gives me a call. I tell her I would call her back. I eventually did, but Mellani answered so I spoke to her. I like to joke with both of them and I like to make them laugh. We have all known each other for a long time now and in a sense, we are a family. We would never lose connection with one another because there is too much concern about each life. We talked about how each of us were doing and it is so obvious; how we have all changed. I used to be able to help them and now I can not. I am a normal now, and things are very different. Kimberly is suffering too, almost like I am. I personally feel like I am making excuses and this false fake world up. Kim told me that I have created this hell. She is right in some ways . . .I am not doing anything to change a single thing. Mostly, because I am content. I think that my problem is more of a physical or mental problem then anything else. Because, there is no real reason for me to feel the way I do. I do not feel it all the time, but I get so bogged down and so low to the earth that everything hurts; I think of suicide and things of that nature. The scary part about it is that I see myself hanging, I see my blood pouring out of my eyes, I see myself taking a razor to my wrists. It is dark and the air is frigid. It does not frighten me. "You will make them happy if you were to die." "That is not true." "That is your whole purpose right? TO make them HAPPY?" "What would you know about purpose? I guess it would not be so bad."

It will not happen though, I am not dumb or impulsive. I have a life and I have people that I care about and people who care about me. There is already to much pain in this world and to cause pain to others would be plain wrong and selfish. I do not want pity or anything like that. I do not want to be made into a suicide example. Instead, I want to be a successful example on how a low class boy like me achieved his dream. That is what I want.

I can no longer stand this fight,
Strand down.
I will not surender before you do,
Run while you can.
I will win with all my might,
Give up.
I will live to mend my life.

2004-02-09T14:23:00.000-06:00

Absolutely amazing. These memories instilled in my heart. Joy in it and laughter. The beauty more beautiful than the sunset. Take me away, sweep me off my feet, love me till the last leaf falls; because the love for you that I have carries on and on and on.

Emotion that bounce up and down with constant changes. One moment it is fear, the next security. At times feelings that are unexplainable. Some one? Answer them! For what next? No longer can this drowsiness of perdition cloud the brain. Blow this smoke away; so sly, covering the bright sun that dawns upon the day. Let me live, free; Am I living now? Oh, but I am. What type of life am I living? TO answer that would be troubling. It would burst me open to reveal the secrets that I know. Ah ha ha; secrets!? Intersting. What type of curiousity is arroused considering the propiganda. A clock ticks silently in the massive room. The noise echoes in its rythm; never ending, a constant reminder, a death wish never to be answered. A coldness lingers in this room accompanied by emptiness and silence. What sly creature could find its way in? What would dare? Jenolo se dire!? Jelevo devrai!

Because time is an uncontrollable dimension, all the energy put into life must be of cautious and reasonable forces. All the world continues on with people of differences and similarities that contributes to a circle of life; a cycle that never stops. Of couse, cycles must be organized and followed through according to plan, which supports this: for ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction; Newton's first law of inertia. Suppose this cycle was munipulated by a catastrophic disaster, an oblivion of chaos. A spur of time knocked into a new temporary dimension of cataclysmic proportions. A name for such an idea concerns the intelligence on entrophy. As already known, the universe must have an equal amount of entropy, as does every planet including the earth. Entropy is a form of chaos, meaning that the perfect world of Utopia will never exists as long as entropy exists (e.g. somewhere right now, an accident has occured in the world with a vehicle causing mechanical physics to differ from the normal agenda of physics). Chaos is inevitable and relevant to time. So time that is altered could alter entropy as well, giving normality to another location in the universe. Such thoughts are huge and need much investigation. For instance, considering the universe is always growing at such speeds of 500,000 light years per day, the whole lay out of the universe will one day be parallel, perpidicular, and equidistant; a perfect universe. Although, this theory exists and has evidence, science still performs causing the theory to have errors and a need to learn more about the universe and entrophy. Errors such as the sun growing to an unimaginable size that will one day overwhelm the earth causing extinction to every human being and then blowing up (there is an exception to the survival of humans: if another lifeform from anywhere in the universe, rescues the two legged creatures and delivers them to safety; even more farfetched. So, time is moving on; moving on with time and with chaos. Time approaches death, but even after death, times goes on. Therefore, after chaos come perfections, but before perfections comes death; yet, even after the death of the universe, lives time. The universe will die before it is perfect.

2004-02-07T17:38:00.000-06:00

I am sorry Emily. This will definitely be hard. Death is not easy and the tears will fall from your eyes. You will wipe them away again and again, trying to erase the terror that released them. You will try to soothe the unbearable pain in your head from the pounding questions of reasoning. You may even find a corner in the dark somewhere, and curl yourself into a ball, as you grab your head and scream because the emotion overwhelmes the heart; that's all you can do. . . is scream.

He was just a boy. A life that had not lived. A soul that never found the freedom; only choices. He smiled with the sun, as it rose, and laughed at his jokes. He made you smile, a success; never lose that. In fact, never lose the memories and hold them dear to your heart; God gave them to you. God gives. Do not question, just hold fast and have faith.

Smile again Emily. Smile, for the world needs your smile. Cry now the tears so you can smile again. I'm sorry; death took the future away from him; you still have yours.

2004-02-05T22:07:00.000-06:00

I wish I had a clue in how to change my blog skin . . .but I don't! Oh well, what can you d0? I mean really . . . .oh well. No, I mean it. . . stop.

2004-02-04T20:20:00.000-06:00

Life seems to be okay for the most part. A little stressful and overwhelming at times, but besides that, okay. I am more concerned for people, especially for one person. I can't help the world, just a few willing souls. My friend, she wants to be there for people. In fact, she had felt a twinge of guilt for not listening. I wonder what she really wants to know? I told her how most people are afraid of being judged and rejected. A lot of people are and that shuts them off to any person willing to listen. That is why there is a purpose for people, a reason to lend a hand and be trustworthy . . . just never break that trusts. Once you lie and "play" with the person's emotions, "BAM!" it all breaks loose, and the water surges against you sweeping you off your feet.
More importantly, so many people hide in the shadows; shadows that bring more fear to the fear already instilled in their minds. A fear of failure and loneliness of loss and of discovery. Look at the world and the faces . . .what do you see? Do you see faces with names, or faces of nothing. Hidden behind that face you'll find a story.

2004-02-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

That person is suppose to be there . . . . No matter what. The knowledge they know, could it possibly measure up to your knowledge? Ha! No; but your own may not equal theirs.

The intelligence of God . . . I am sickened with myself. I can not believe the knowledge I know of His word, and refuse to give in. Hold me back . . once again . . .lost within myself. I am laughing. I harsh laugh. A sarcastic pathetic laugh. How could they know? What would they say if they knew? Would they throw it away and pass them by? A miracle exists in that knowledge. But it is my choice as well as theirs. Give it up, let go, no more . . .your there and you are held captive. HA HA HA.

So beat me up already! One day, oh one day, I will find it and I will conquer it and it will be no more! I should have tears rolling down my face. I should be searching for freedom and sanctity. How could they know? It bothers me so much? No, it does not. I am to be bothered by myself and my actions. They have not done anything wrong. I am in the wrong. Talk to the left hand, because you are not right!

I listen to my conscience and all I hear is music. SO nice. I have no idea what music it is, but it is there and it is alive within my head. Poor poor people. Poor myself. I am feeling so hateful. No I am not. I think I feel hurt. Hurt, a pain. Pain is what I hate! I hate feeling like this! I hate this! I hate me! Just break me down; down again I fall.

I am stronger. I am better. I am capable. I am fine. Don't judge me or assume a thing. Look deeper than that. Care about me and who I am and love me for who I am. Support me in all that I do and I will love you and support as I do now. Give me my chance and my moment, and I will gladly give you yours. Give me your hand and help me up from the mud and I will always be there for you. Then again, if you don't love me, if you don't support me, if you don't care, if you don't offer me your hand . . .I would still offer you all that and more. Because love is strong and even though I pain in my suffering, I still am able to love. That is my title . . .my own.

2004-02-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

Once again, life sucks. I don't care right now! Then again, I am weeping inside and that weeping turns into anger! Damn them. Kill me now and would they care tomorrow?
Let my own journey be cut short for the sake of themselves. . . To see them suffer. Then again, their suffering would harm them so much . . .More than they harmed me and that would not be fair. Life is not fair, it never was and it never will be. Say "Lie" and now say "Life"; life is just one big LIE with a sniffling sigh at the end. That sigh is for all the crap that came your way; for all the shit that hit the fan. A never ending quota that is completed and makes it back your way. Why am I angry like this? Never have I been so angry . . I used to smile and forgive and realize that I was in the wrong and change. I was understanding. Not now; now I want to yell back in hatred, a powerful hatred that stings them. I hope it does now.
I know the truth of it. If it did sting them and I saw their shame, I would bow my head in disgust of myself. No one understands that. No one can understand the lack of respect for a parent and distinguish it from the trusts. Another bit of fear that rolls it agony upon my own shoulders to bear. A fear that continues to send sharp shivers down my spine. Don't mimic this, don't go this way. Withdraw yourselves.

2004-02-02T07:50:00.000-06:00

Thousands of miles left untraveled and there is not another person in the world I choose to travel with than you. Across the great states discovering are own adventures and memories that we can talk about for years to come. Imagine that! You and I sitting in front of a fire place, sharing a wool blanket, warming one another. We laugh as we recall all the wonderful times spent during our life journey, a journey never meant to be forgotten.
Yes, all these times are good, yet an irony comes into play: the times we share can nevered be shared with anyone else. These happy moments of our lives that are meaningful to us, can never be freed to the ears of others. It is you and I, and I like that. But, the mass public denies it, all the ignorant to the situation condemns it.
All in all, risks are made every day. By the seconds on the clock that pass never to be frozen, that times keeps going . . .and we are together as it goes.
Lying has become a daily ritual . . . why? To keep safe what we have. Afraid of the opinions and the devastation of my life as well as yours. Just one moment to be able to hold your hand as we walk down the street and let people see how happy we are together . . .it would shock the world.

2004-02-01T23:25:00.000-06:00

Interesting life can definitely be; ineveitable, unavoidable, and insatiable. Scanning over the cities and towns, people of different types all connect together . . . realizing what? A mischief to be solved; a riddle to be answered; a voice to be heard.

2004-02-01T23:23:00.000-06:00

Hi Raymond! You know who this is. Your long lost love. I'm missing you oh so dearly. I need you here with witih me.

2004-02-01T23:21:00.000-06:00

2004-01-31T01:25:00.000-06:00

The words you use to desribe how you feel . . .I'm glad you use them and express your inner thoughts. I can not hide the way it pains my heart, like a diseased sick feeling overtaking my insides and proceeding to rip them out. A dead corpse for the vultures to peck at. I tell you how much I care for you; do you believe me? I want you to talk to me, I want you to rely on me and know that it is okay too. I must let you know these things. I am not pushing you away nor have I turned my back on you, I would never do such a thing. The love I have for you should be bold enough for you to notice that I would give my life to save yours. Risky words for a person to say, but they are true words that exists. And the power of words are able to move masses and affect the emotions of so many people. Let me shake the earth with what I say . . .I love you and want you in my life. You do not pain me. You are not a burden; you make me happy and you have added such wonderful things to who I am . . .I don't feel guilty. I love you so much. I am here for you day by day . . .turn to me. Cry on my shoulder, I will hold on to you. Please . . . I am sorry for making you feel the way you do. I don't want you to be in despair. I need you as you need me and no matter what I will always be there for you. You have my heart. See how desperate I have become? I want you to be happy and to smile. I love you so much. Nothing can stop the way I feel about you and I know you care about me . . .I hear it in your voice and believe you when you tell me. I feel it when your with me.

When the shadows never sway, I will reach my hand out to you. When the coldness grips your body, I will glady give all my warmth to you. When your alone, you are not, because I will be right beside you. I love you.