[to be kicked when you're down to feel like you've been pushed around]

you might think i'm happy ; Monday, February 28, 2005

A million voices are in my head. The sounds of a million people and the picture of a million images all melted into one spot of my mind. I hear the echoes of the millions of times I screwed up my life, so I fight to bring forth the good sweet memories that make me smile. I shake my head trying to sort a lot of the craziness in my mind out. I have no urge to get any thing done.

Earlier today I had to sit between Chris and Bradley as we drove home after school. They both smoke, they are both overweight, and they are both disgusting perverts. To sit between them was humiliating and embarrassing, because of their demeanor. They weren’t really that humiliating, but the smoke, the cussing, and their topics of discussion made me feel irritable. I simply wanted to go home.

On the way, I thought of the main things I must accomplish. Between theatre and choir, it gets complicated, having to plan dates and make sure all our events are carried through. I know what I want to do for the Chicago show and I know how I want to carry out Thespian Idol.

However, things went differently when I got home. I began by putting up clothes, and then I….well….I sat down. My motivation was gone. Oh well. But, what came was the loneliness as I sat there. I was literally alone because Chris left to go back to work. I walked around the house realizing no one was around, and then it hit me. This demonized feeling; an awful urge that I don’t know how to explain. All I know is my attitude change, my heart rate excelled, and everything around me was empty. I ran to my room, scrambled to put a movie in the DVD player and when it finally loaded I turned the volume all the way up. But it didn’t work; it failed to keep my attention. I quickly started to search for something to get my mind steady and normal, but nothing I found could help. I saw the drum set and I made my way to it. I picked up the sticks and beat the crap out of those drums. My adrenaline slowed and my brain calmed down. I made rhythms and sang a song while playing. It was,

“Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy is the Lord,
God Almighty
Worthy to receive Glory
Worthy to receive honor
Worthy to receive all our praises

And then the tempo picks up:

Praise Him
Praise Him and lift Him up
Praise Him
Praise His name forever.”

It made me feel better. I returned to my room hitting the power button on the DVD player to off and Fiddler Orchestra music on the computer to on. My clothes glared at me so I figured they’d do nicely in the dresser. It wasn’t long until my mother came home with groceries (yeah for food) and I helped her unload them. I ate two pieces of pizza. A lot of the time I don’t like to be around people because of my attitude. So I headed back to my room, shut the door, and layed down. I was not in a productive mood, and presently I somehow need to push myself to be in order to get things done.

People are awesome. My friends are an amazing group of people. But I guess there are a bunch of amazing people out there.

I had a hamburger with fries. The lunch ladies are so nice to me. They ask me about my day, and smile real big. I think it is wonderful. Becca’s wonderful!

So Zack. Yeah. I don’t know what the deal is with me and him, but it’s not the same. I guess I can push it to be the same but, why should I? It takes the effort of two people.

Speaking of effort, distance really sucks. I feel like I’m missing out on something because of distance. I can’t be a part of their life until I am there all the time. I can’t share their jokes or their sadness or their frustrations. We can only talk about them at the end of the day over the phone. But I don’t want to talk on the phone! I want to be there in person, in the flesh, ready to save the day if I have to. I would save all your lives. It hurts me. I feel like distance will separate us and it will hurt what we have. But, I have enough faith in me to know GOD STILL CARES. I know He does and will always hold on to that. God will take care of everything for everybody. I just don’t like to hurt. When ever I was fighting that feeling of hate in me earlier, it was hard. Really hard. It was a battle in my mind and I wanted to give in so bad.

But things will be fine.

Sparks of luminescent flowers
In groves of lush greens
Brooks of sapphire blues
And angel rocks

Out there in the light
Burns my fire
Soul distance –
A fight against desire

I live now
Standing here
Waiting for the next
Giving up the how,
The whys, and the whens,
And holding on to faith.

Look at me
Hear my voice
Feel my heart
Understand?
I think the world of what is to come
Between the two
Where I stand.

Never let me go,
Catch me when I fall,
Take the tears I shed and keep them.
Whisper me a promise.
Be my light,
Never fade out.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 6:53 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Thursday, January 06, 2005

IT'S A PROCESS!

Here I am, sittin back and drinkin a nice cup of french vanilla cappachino, a drink that I actually bought about an hour ago at the Citgo on FM 306. I just got off the phone with Bryan, a friend of mine that I met through Lisa. I can't even begin to explain the recent occurences that continue to take place in my life. Honestly, the time period that began after Christmas till now, has been one the coolest times of my life. Sort of. It's had its ups and downs. I have realized the importance of my friends, and more importantly, a reconnection with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Things happen for a reason right? Consider the world: massive, vast, full of diversity, culture, miracles, all of it....and then there is you. You. YOU ARE NOW IN THIS REALLY BIG WORLD. Everyone say, "REAL BIG."

"REAL BIG!"

Where do we begin to realize how alone we really are? How? I mean why would we want to? We can't survive by ourselves, no one can. On the contrary, we forget something so easily. People that we love may seem to take care of us in anyway possible, but even though we are okay with that, we still may not be happy.

Somewhere along the lines, you have to separate yourself from everybody and everything and become independent. Then realize that we don't need friends, we don't need family, we don't need money, we don't need a college education, WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING. Wow, that's a big concept. Deep inside us, we are able to control our wants and our needs, our way of thinking and our beliefs because we have that power. People get so caught up in this world they forget who they are and what their real purpose is. I have, I do. But what's right? What's righteous? Oh, come on now, let's not play the fool, stop running, accept the truth, and it can only get better from there. It should. GOD is all you'll ever need.

I'm worried about myself I guess. I am actually decently happy with myself. I have found that happy medium. I don't hate who I am, and I am not afraid to say who I am or what I believe. I am so close to admitting everything, but that's never really suppose to happen, because, well, it's just not. I want to be safe and comforted. God has been so awesome! He always is awesome!

Lisa is Awesome! Bryan is Awesome! Emily is Awesome! I love THE LISA, THE BRYAN, AND THE EMILY!

Dancing beneath the stars, the softness of your hand.

Love hidden beneath the dock, a river splits the land.

A head upon your shoulder, a tear from my eye.

Hiding the passion within my heart, would be worst lie.

Time controls unfairly taking you away.

Love uncovered brings regret, tomorrow becomes today.

All I wanted was time with you,

Now it's to late like a bird you flew.

All I wanted was you,

Sitting here alone,

Thinking of you.

The cruelness of torcher hurts,

If our love was meant to be,

Than it's true.

I want hold you tonight,

I want to be with you for all time.

I want you to be mind.

Try to take you away,

I will put up a fight.

I can't let you go,

Don't leave me here tonight.

I want you to be mine!

Please stay here,

I need you in my arms,

I can't help it if I cry.

If this is it,

Take my heart,

I'd rather die.

All I wanted was you,

Sittting here alone thinking of you.

The cruelness of torcher hurts.

If our love was meant to be, than it's true.

Okay, that was an old song I wrote. Bryan had reminded me that I wrote it. Now I want to write a new poem, hmmm...let's see.....

Ambers strike aglow, flickering flames,

Waging a war, shattering the shames.

Directing the dawn, beating the bank,

Hiding in Hell, singing a saint.

Dark corridors of doomed delight,

Plunging farther and farther by the wildest might.

Hurling masses of molten hotter than Hell,

Shaking the solid, ringing the bells.

Tormenting the innocent blood of refuge,

Singing songs of sweet sickening muse.

Mingling in moons of blames and blooms,

Fighting the desire of preposterous dooms.

Lurid and gray,

Dainty by day.

Leave me in this way,

I will repay.

This eerie battle,

Let out with a rattle.

Screaming with crackles,

Of anxious laughs of hackles.

Bewildered and lost,

I hate the cost.

But Lord it's me,

This person to free.

Hang in there! O you,

Don't give in to this boo.

Give it up, your almost through,

For your sake, or you will lose.

The waters reside waiting,

Departing the waves of delight.

The sun now residing,

The stars taking sight.

Silence all around.

Whispers surround.

Sanctity upheld,

By and by.

Sigh a sigh,

Living on high,

Until the night,

I fall to this fight.

Let me be free in this world of hate,

Like the gold written in the stars of fate.

To take the only sword and swing strong,

Ending the battle not ours it belongs.

Renewing our minds, for the perfect will of GOD.

Well that was real fun!

but i'm not going to be ok ; 8:40 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I haven't been home for a while, until now, and even this visit isn't very long. I am about to leave to go camping. I hope everything works out for the better. I think if I believe that everything from now on will be positive, it will be; for me and my friends. Let's hope this new year is something incredible, unforgettable, and ultimately enjoyable. I think I am willing to kick it up a notch! Happy NEW YEAR 2005!!!! SENIORS!!! CLASS OF 2005!!!

but i'm not going to be ok ; 2:50 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, December 25, 2004

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am not torturing myself with my emotions. I am not so troubled that I cannot live my life. I am quite capable of taking care of myself; being an independent person. I don't understand why you all think I need "time away"or a "break" from life, because I don't need a break from life. What I need is support and comfort. But I don't expect that from you guys. If you want to give me that, then that is your choice. I heartily accept your kindness for the reasons you give are because of the care you have for me, in a way that I care for you. It is hard for me to deny your love and hard for me to deny that love I have for each and every one of you. However, there are times in my life when I am going to have to make choices that may affect you all in a way that does not please you all. So, that said, let's move on. Stop worrying about me. Worry about yourselves. I don't know why you worrying about me bothers me so much. I just want you to stop and to concentrate on yourself. That's all.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 1:57 AM

you might think i'm happy ; Sunday, December 19, 2004

I guess I lie to myself a lot, about who I am and what I am. I deny things, more thing than the normal person would deny. I want to be angry. I want to be carefree. Why things can't just be easy fustrates me. I suppose I am really looking for a way out, that's all. The easy way out is not the best way out...sometimes.

But I hurt. I hurt inside. I want to scream it out, while dancing in the rain, while the moon shines brighter than any previous night. It shines as my only comfort and testiment to this life. And as the rain beats me to my knees, I'll let the water fall from my face, drenching my hair, tears of blood crying for me the tears that I need to cry, so I will feel some remorse, some pity for myself. And there, on the middle of the street amongst the shadows of blacks and the navy blues and the blinding hues of grays with specs of street lights, I'll look up, and frown, for that's my life.

People are so amazing. My friends are amazing, and the love we have for one another is even more amazing. Life may suck, but at least we can love one another and hold each other up. It's crazy though. Imagine the friends we have and how close we hold them to our hearts. I hold all my friends to my heart. I care so much about them. That brings a smile to my face.

The wind is blowing through my window, making the curtains move up and down in weird inconsistant patterns. I have this weird feeling, it's almost comforting, but weird. I can't help but want to be angry with myself or to shout at someone, or to hurt someone. I am angry at something deep inside and all I can hope to do is to shut out that anger, so that way no one will know that I am hurting. In the end, I just need to get over myself.

Last night was the dance and I had the chance of praying. I wanted to pray with someone. I wanted Zac to pray with me. I need his love and I thank God that I have his love. He needs prayer too. His priorities or elsewhere though. He'll take care of Sarah before he takes care of me, as he should, but sometimes I need him. (But, more now than before, I have learned to be independent and not depend on someone else. A lot of teens need a consistance friend, as I try to be to everyone else. It's hard.) When I got home, I thought I would get on the computer. Then I went to the bathroom, came into my room and shut off the lights except for my little lamp that emits little light. I shut the computer screen off and then in one movement, sank to my knees. I put my face to the floor, and started to talk to God. Then I began to cry. I just talked to him the best way I could. He knows me better than anyone else, so there was nothing to hide from him. I wanted more than anything to let go. I felt better afterwards and wiped away real tears. I then collapsed onto my bed and went to sleep. The next morning should have been better but I always manage to srew it up somehow. Oh well, that's part of life and part of my experiences. The best part about last night and how I was praying, was the promising factor of God's forgiveness. It made me feel better, even though I knew I didn't deserve it.

I wonder how Pace is doing. I haven't talked to him in a while and that is not like us to now talk. He doesn't even text me anymore. I think he said something about being gone for two days. I wish he would let me know if he could talk or not, just so I know he is okay.

There's you and me

sitting pleasantly

along side the lake

dreaming of a place

where we feel safe

there's you and me

looking out into the sky

turning to you and smiling

wondering the future

a world of mine

there's you and me

watching the stars

counting all of them

holding them true

for us to find

there's you and me

there's your eyes

then mine

closer to you I am

there's me and you

what more than that

two people

looking over the lake.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 1:07 AM

you might think i'm happy ; Monday, December 13, 2004

There are a million feelings,
A million of them, in me.
Some I adore, others I ignore,
And more and more, I cry.
Because they hurt me.

Love is so fragile,
It's a single rose,
Sighing in the wind,
Gently swaying sweetly.

It only knows love,
No misery, no heart break.
And its purpose, lovely,
Enduring and beautiful.

I am fragile, broken inside.
Dirty with mud, hidden in shade.
Dusty air alludes my vision,
And the world is cold to me.

I whither away day by day,
Thinking of tunes to wash away,
The fear of shame and death,
To humble myself inside.

Reach out to me, find me.
Remove me for here,
I'll be so glad,
Yet, dimness sets in.

Again and again, I am lost.
World of many things,
My world of many feelings,
Ordained this purpose, unfulfilled.

One day, some way, in my life,
I suppose I'll grow in my soul.
A rose. Beautiful and perfect.
Delicate, fragrant, and me.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 7:52 PM

Mmm...think of life like, let me think, a cube. A perfect cube! It has even sides, even surface areas, and it's a cube! Yeah, that's all I have to say about the cube. Because if I say to much about the cube then every one will know the secret powers that the cube possesses and I really don't want no one to know, so sorry ya'll; NO cube knowledge for you! I must protect its best interest, being the cube's manager and all. Especially with people trying to measure its edges and find its volume. Well how would you feel if I always measured you to find your volume? HMMMM??? Could you look me in the eye and tell me you are okay with that??? Pfffft! Yeah right. Whatever!

Enough with the cube.

Today was a dandy doo day! Sort of. It's always sort of! But uh oh well. So, Ashleigh and I stayed after school and did absolutely nothing! Okay, well we joked around like one hundred percent of the time, so we couldn't have been doing nothing. It was fun, it's ALWAYS fun. SENIORS 2005! WHOO HOO!

Huh, but there's so much more...just tons of stuff, always coming and going and going and coming...non-stop. But that is the life of everybody. Really...really really.

I want to write a poem, but every time I try to write a poem, they aren't the articstically talented types that really entrance a person, they are more of a repetitive drony thing. But I want too so bad! Mostly cause I was looking at my past poetry and I just want to know what my little soul can produce. Imagine that, I have soul! Just kidding! I know I have a soul! GOD gave me my soul! Yeah for JESUS! Really, I'm lost too.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 7:32 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, December 11, 2004

Yeah for pizza. Sort of. I just though I would open with a simple sentence that included food. "Why thanks you, I am so delighted."

"That's because you are delightful."

"Oh George, do behave!"

I suppose everyone has an inner imagination somewhere. Today was an interesting day. Not to crazy. I eventually awoke from my slumber, sometime around six thirty because I had the ACT at UTSA. My Dad had to take the long way by taking Loop 337 to get on the highway. I don't know what he was thinking but I couldn't help think that we were going to be late. But, I got there just in time. I was tired! And hungry!

"You should have woke up earlier!"

"Yes sir."

Either way, we got there. I saw Jason Pliego. He was in the same classroom as me. It seems like UTSA and UT at Austin are similar in their choice of placing air conditioning ducts. It is old and not appealing whatesoever. This girl named Amanda sat next to me, to my left that is. She wants to attend Baylor, the one in Belton. This was her fourth time to take the ACT. She was nice. I sat in the back. I hated the test totally. But I pushed myself to work fast and hard. It is all about the pacing.

After the exam, my father and I drove home. On the way back, we stopped at a few car places. The rumor around my house includes a car instore for me...maybe. That would be wonderful! I mean really wonderful, like it would make my life completely!

Then I slept a lot, even though I was suppose to go to Emily's house to help her bake cookies, I didn't. I feel bad because she needed a lot of help, but I was so tired. Oh yeah, i also had an officer's meeting that went really well. Mostly because my officers have a lot of good ideas that I know we are going to do. It is going to be really exciting.

The musical is so awesome. I am so proud of everyone in the cast because of all the hard work they are putting into it. The dance scenes are amazing! We still have a lot of work to do, but it is all possible. Tomorrow I am going over to Cole's house to work on our scene that Mrs. Cox blocked with me and Ashleigh, so at least he knows what is going on. I think we are going to work on all the songs to. And his mom said something about looking for costumes and maybe making them. I have a feeling that I am going to have to make a lot of my costumes. But aht is okay because then they will be unique. The hardest part is finding the costume. Plus, what size am I going to have to look for especially beause I am going to be in a fat suit. Hm...I wonder.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 11:09 PM

Deception.

Oh no. Deception. I wonder what else could be knew right now? Besides the emotions that seem to conquer everyones lives. It boils in my blood. A blood that everyone carries in them, flowing through them, moving to sustain life. The heart sustains life. It pumps life into the blood. Eventually the heart gets tired of the blood because the heart does all the work. It stops. The heart decides to stop pumping. Especially when the heart grows tired. Not just from the work, but from the weight of life. The weight of the blood, and all it has to do. The brain really has no control over everything. Even though it thinks it does, it doesn't. The brain can't live without the heart. The heart can still pump even though the brain may not be working. Our hearts live. I wonder if the beats always stay the same and clear. Actually, I know they don't, because the beats change, everything is always changing. Even I am.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 11:00 PM

Magnitudes of harm, a threat,
December 11th....10:35PM
"This guy named Joe, like he we have a number....I think T told you about it. He was saying dirty stuff about it...he was being not very, uh, well, saying all this weird stuff and, um, wanted us to call him sugar daddy. Do you want the number?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, it's 832-876-1285..."
"Does he keep calling ya'll..."
"We hung up withouth giving him this number. He said if we hung up he would get our parents and tell them." T gets on the phone.
"Are you okay? Is this guy still bother you?"
"Yes....." S gets back on.
"When was the last time he talked to you...."
"I think like....I have to ask T because I don't remember the date."
"When was it?"
"I don't know....?
"we think about five days ago we aren't absolutely sure."
"now ya'll are telling the truth right...iis your name S...."
"yes."
" okay...."
"she didn't tell you the whole thing."
" no i don't want to...hey, hello, we don't have to say anyting specific right? then we are done..."
"unless it is important..."
"okay hold on."
"we're done. okay, wait, yeah...okay....bye."

but i'm not going to be ok ; 10:33 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Dear God:

Today a lot of people died. Thousands of people continue to die. I wonder a lot of times why people die. . . why children go without mothers and father, brothers and sisters, friends and family. I try to reason with an expanation that things happen for a reason, and life is the way, and no one can change it. I was taught to have faith, even the smallest faith counts.

Dear God:

I hurt a lot of people today. I always seem to be hurting someone. I hurt a lot of people. I have made a lot of people cry. I hate myself for it. I think I might have to make more people cry. And I don't want to.

Dear God:

What am I suppose to do? Who am I suppose to turn to now? There is NO person to hold onto now. It's just you and me. . . right? Please. . . help me God. Will you forgive me? Will you please find a way out for me, because i don't know how to get out of this. No man has an answer me, except for prayer.

Dear God:

I have trouble praying.

Dear God:

Please don't let me hurt anymore people.

Dear God:

Take care of Pace and tell him that I am so sorry. Please hold him Lord, hold him close to your heart and never let him go because he needs you more than anything in this world, more than anybody in the world.

Dear God:

Tell Emily that I love her so much, because she means the world to me, because she plays such a huge role in my life and that I am so sorry that I have hurt her or made her cry or if I lie to her or make her feel bad. I am so sorry God! I wish I didn't have to hold back in telling her things.

Dear God:

Help Ashleigh make it to college and help her get a good education so she may become something great. More than anything God, please let her find You, because that would really be so amazing.

Dear God:

I make a lot of excuses. I am worn out right now. Hell seem close by. I am not even sure what is right or what is wrong. My heart feels one thing, but something keeps holding me back. I sensation in my body that pushes me towards this thing, and then a sickness that brings me to my knees so I can pity myself. Please help me.

Dear God:

I don't like myself right now, please make me feel better, even though I don't deserve it. Please help me find some sort of happiness. I need that. I need love. I need you. FORGIVE ME GOD!

AMEN

RAMON MADRID JR.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 10:04 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Sunday, October 31, 2004

Tonight is Halloween. Big Whoop! It doesn't even feel like Halloween. There are a bunch of crazy people out tonight. I saw a few of them at the Museum of Art and Music. So today was an alright day. I woke up at six thirty only to find out it was really five thirty because of daylight savings time. My mom told me. She even showed me the news station to make sure she was right. I was like, "Alright! Score! I get to sleep a little more!" And so I did. But then I had to wake up because I had to be to work by like seven thirty. I was told the day before when I picked up my check that everyone was going to dress up and that I should to. So naturally, being the theatre geek I am, got all dressed up. Like a NERD again. Except an Abercrombie NERD. I guess that is an oxymoron, but I thought it was funny and a great way to make fun of the whole abercrombie fad. But hey, it was going to be fun. However, when I got to work, the doors were locked and the lights were off signifying that no one was even there. I was so mad. So I waited for like thirty minutes. During that time period, more employees showed up, but guess what, they weren't even dressed up. That really pissed me off. Okay, well not that much...I just so happened to have a polo on me just in case a serious situation like this happened. So I changed. And then Brandy finally showed up. Everyone gave her a hard time and technically everyone was late. So, I went to work which isn't really that fun because it just isn't, but luckily I got off at like eleven thirty and went home. I ate some food and then watch the Fear Factor, which is a dumb show but the people on there are fun to watch, especially when they eat all that disgusting stuff....really gross. Eventually I made my way to the bed and called PACE. Of course we didn't talk much, except about his dance he had last night and about other dumb stuff. But I was tired, so we said our good byes and I took a long nap. YEAH ME! But then STEF called and was like, "Hey, lets go do something tonight." and I was like, "K, what did you have in mind?" And she was like, "I dunno, but Elise and Luke want to go see Andy's band. " ANd I said, "Sounds good, lets go." And so, I awakened, and got ready to go, which meant I took a shower. My dad dropped me off at her house and we took off for Gruene. But Elise and Luke were still at Taco Cabana so we were going to meet them at the Texaxo off FM306 and Hunter Rd. It was funny, because STEF is so awesome. She has a lot of energy. She's great. But we got there and pulled up to the front of the store and it looked closed, but we saw some girl moving behind the counter. We decided to move the care because we didn't want anybody to think we were robbign the place. IT was great, because we moved by this dumpster, like right next to it, and it was open. And I looked an it and was like, "Omi......THERE'S A MAN IN THE DUMPSTER!" and STEF got scared, and I like, "Ehhh, just kidding!" And she was like, "okay, we are moving to a different spot to park..." It was funny, because she gets scared so easily. And then while we waited we talked some more about all kinds of things until Luke and Elise pulled up. We then got in the car to ride with them. Luke is cool. He had a Steven Ray Vaughn CD in his car, and that guy is a good musician. Technically we could have drove to the concert ourselves, but STEF wasn't sure where we were going, so she felt safer to get a ride with Luke. Which was cool. So we park at some little hut, and Luke is confused as where this place is.....and he wanted to walk farther down Gruene Road, except there was nothing in that direction, so we were like, "UH...." But then we saw the Museum building. We headed that way only to run into a fence and a lot of weeds, so we started to walk towards the road. We then ended back up at Luke's car realizing we had made complete pointless circle. But we found our way and paid five bucks to get in. The Museum itself was a nice building and had some really cool artifacts in it, but it also had a lot of disturbing stuff in it too. The Music was not anything I would leisurely listen too, but Andy and Phillip were playing so it made okay. Besides, we were just coming to support them. Howerever, their lead singer was dressed in a grils bra and bikini...and that was pretty gross. His name is Taylor and I shouldn't have expected anything less from him. We saw a lot of people there like Becca, Darcy, Josh, Stacey, Natalie, Brittany, and Kate. Just a lot of people. Bianca and Ashton were there too. It was cool to see all the people. But then there were the girls who were all dressed like skanks. It's like Halloween is the only time of year that a girl can get away dressed provacatively and actually get away with it. But oh well. Oh yeah, alcohol and weed was present too. It wasn't bad bad, but it was not a place a Christian would want to be. It was sort of satanic, and that was freaky. Me and Stef walked out after ten minutes of being there. Mostly to talk about stuff again. We sat at the curb and just talked. I told her about the show I saw last night about the whole, "He hasn't forgotten you." and all that. I felt like crying. But then we eventually went back inside because we didn't want to be un cool....duh, because we are such cool people. We upstair to the balcony and looked at the cool art. Some of it was really freaky. There was a few art pieces that this guy used people's bodies and their ashes to make the art. That was real gross. We saw two people doing something really weird...we thought it was like a satanic thing...probably was. I saw Julian and Van there to. And STEF and I came to the conclusion that the F word is a famous word amongst these groups of people. We eventually left. And I came home. And there is a lot to talk about now. And it was fun. I fell bad though, because I wanted to do something with Victoria and we didn't. Anyways, tomorrow is a new day and I didn't do any of my homework, so I am going to attempt to do so.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 10:12 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, October 30, 2004

I wonder what it is going to take to revive my soul.
I wonder what extreme will God send to help me.
Whether it be something smaller or large,
Or through this world...please send it.
He has.

today i witnessed a miracle
a small miracle that only I saw
a miracle that affected me
because it was my soul
my darkened soul
realizing the signifigance
it bgan with failure
mounting to a small prayer
a prayer so small
i barely heard the desire
but someone heard it
someone nearby
nearer than i thought
in a place i though was empty
that has been empty
always empty
it's not
and in the smallest way
on a show
a message came
so simple
so sure
so remarkable
i cried
i cried because i am hurting
the hurt
the failure
the sickening desires
and i cried
it was through those silent tears
slowing secretly streaming down my face
sitting there next to my father
that i felt a tug at my heart
and i want to follow that tug
i want to be safe again
i want security
but then i think of love
and what it has to offer
it must be the wrong type of love
i fear this love
but then there is love
a real true love
a love that is sancified
and true
that has no flaw
but has a freedom
i want this so bad
but then, there i my flesh
and it is fighting inside of me
asking me questions
what if you meet this person
what if you miss out on this life
don't you want to be loved
don't you want to feel a warmth
but there is another warmth
it is so distant to me
so far away
the people
the souls
the altar
God
and it has become hard
bottom line
diffulty in making the right choices
where's conviction?
it has become dead in me
almost
making decisions
not so righteous
failure
to myself
to other people
and so i dream
hardly ever dreaming
but i want to dream
i saw myself die today
in my mind
it was during the tribulation
i was a young man
wiser than i am now
more faithful than i am now
and i was on my knees
thousands of lives had already been taken
and people were standing around me
crazy dilirious people
and fire was every where
i was on my knees
holding back tears
as a man leaned down
whispering into my ear
his breath had a sick stench
and his face was dirty
a piercing on his brow
an evil lurking around him
he leaned towards me
and asked me
do you believe in God
do you have a Messiah
who do you serve
and a tear fell
and i was killed
by a gun shot
and i thought of the pain
but knew it would past
because i heard a voice telling me
the pain lasts for a second
and then your safe
then i wondered why
why thousands of people
are going to go to hell
because they aren't going to live a certain way
think of all the faces
to burn in hell for eternity
eternity
forever
i want to go to heaven forever
but right now
i am not worth anything
i am a stray
still lurking
but not what i should be
i am nothing
-Ramon

but i'm not going to be ok ; 9:19 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Thursday, October 21, 2004

You know what? I am still so completly angry. NO, I am more calm. I will remain positive and delightful, hardworking, and persistant, because, life is that way. I am a happy human being. HAPPY!

Stability.............S T A B I L I T Y ....

Security........ and all that other stuff.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE

FAITH FAITH FAITH

KEEP ME

KEEP ME IN PROTECTING GRACE
GUIDING MY STEPS THROUGH LOVE EACH DAY

KEEP ME

I NEED YOU TO KEEP ME

LORD, I PLACE MY FAITH IN YOU

I PLACE MY TRUST IN YOU

I PLACE MY HOPE IN YOU

I NEED YOU TO KEEP ME

but i'm not going to be ok ; 8:58 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Wednesday, October 20, 2004

I am so tired....swim practice was harder than I thought. I think we swam 1100 meters, not to shabby. They have this big bubble up so we can swim while it is cold. The only problem is, it wasn't cold today. In fact, it was hot, making the dome even hotter. It was like breathing moisture in the water and it made my lungs hurt. But, nonetheless, I swam. At first, my stroke was absolutely horrible, so I had to work hard to bring it back to par. We also got the chance to work on some dives.

Well, money sucks. I hate the issue of money. Just to let you know people, as you get older, you are going to realize that money is a foundation. Without, you will live in poverty. So, to not live in poverty, you must work hard. Hard in school, hard for the rest of your life. I am so angry, I want to scream and beat someone to death. I want to talk to the person who invented money and say, "Why do you do this to us? Why did you have to make money?" I don't understand, it makes people desperate, it makes people happy, it makes us work so hard that we never have to time to breathe or have time to appreciate anything. MONEY.

But, that is a problem no one can fix. Not a person. No solution. And so, must live in the land of America's money, where we carry the weight of the moon and the solitude of the world.

Money will now weight me down. I want to get into NYU so bad...oh, ya'll have no idea how bad I want too. I NEED to get into that school. OH GOD! This is so fustrating.

ALAS POOR YORK! GET THEE TO A NUNNERY! A NUNNERY. AS A CHILD I WAS RAISED BY BENEDICTINE PRIESTS, AND LATTER BY NUNS. THEY WERE NICE NUNS. SORT OF WARM, AND FAIRLY CRAZY TOO.

NO WILLIE, WE'RE WAITING FOR LEFTY. BLINK RIGHT EYE. BLINK LEFT EYE. CLOSES EYES. OPENS THEM.

HOW WAS CHINA?
VERY LARGE CHINA
AND JAPAN?
VERY LARGE JAPAN

LOOK! WHOSE YACHT DO YOU THINK THAT IS/

BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE, START QUOTING HIM NOW...BA DA DAH!

"Tis far far better place I go than I've ever been before,
Tis a far far better thing I do than I've ever done before."

I HAVE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS....STELLA!

but i'm not going to be ok ; 5:36 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Thursday, October 14, 2004

Failure.

One word that describes what I am at this moment in my life. I guess most would say I have a lot to live for and look forward to. But, failure is what I feel. If I could just let go of some things. I am not who I am. I feel like I jump around in my personality and I don't like it. Why do I think of the stuff? Who really cares?

It seems that no one has any good words of wisdom to say. Except those scriptures Emily read to me on the phone. How am I suppose to grow and learn without a mentor or a teacher? On my own is the best answer I can come up with. But, I fail, and I struggle, and I don't know what is wrong or what is right. All I hear is everyone else's opinions about life, and I have yet to develop my own. How can someone be so comfortable with who they are? They just do it I suppose. I don't know.

I am dumb.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 9:07 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Monday, October 11, 2004

And so my life gets worse. A lot worse.

On September 7th 2004, I had a car accident, except it was in my friend's Zac's car and neither him nor I had car insurance. I didn't hit another car, I hit an electrically transformer, and it blew up. It shouldn't have blown up, but it did. It blew up and now it has blown up my own life ruining it. That particualr night was one of the worse night anybody can have. I cried, called Emily, cried some more, and went to school the next day trying to deal with this and my previous problems that had carried through till now. Not only that, but Comedy Night Live was that Thursday and I was one of the directors. Somehow I managed to pull together my emotions, with the help of friends and prayers. And I moved on ...

Here it is, a month later, and Mrs. Platt calls me after swim practice informing that New Braunfels Utilities is sueing me for the damage I caused. She gave me a name and a number to call, I suppose an officer at the police station. I call it, no one is there, I leave my name and number. And now what? Should I tell my father before I talk to the officer, or should I wait till after I talk to him. I am so scared. None of this makes any sense. Or it does. I broke the law, I was driving and I shouldn't have been. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I had insurance, but my family doesn't have any money.

My Dad lives off of Social Security because he is crippled, handicapped for life. I get a four hundred dollar check every month from the federal government because my real Mom died in a car accident when I was four ... My step Mom doesn't bring enough money. I got a job and now I pay for many of my own things. That's life and that's how it works. But, I don't need this. I have worked hard to try and get into a good university to make a living and have security, to bring my talent to move an audience, to inspire someone. That may all be ruined. My life may be ruined because of that accident that could of happened to anybody on anyday at anytime and I cannot change it. It had to be me.

God, please let them drop the charges. Please God, please, let them drop those charges, I can't pay for anything. My father and mother are already angry because they have to take care of my brother and me and my step-brother and his wife, and bills and food and all that stuff. I just want out. I want to not be worried and scared anymore. I need to be stable and remain stable. How am I suppose to hard now? How am I suppose to hold on to the same dreams I use to have. GOd, please, in all Your Glory, forgive me, help me, save me from this.

I don't have much faith, but I know God is capable of all things. I have some faith. I just have to keep going.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 6:27 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Thursday, October 07, 2004

That last post was an argumentive essay I had to write in Latin IV AP. It's suppose to show how I feel on the topic, but I still am not sure. I suppose a lot of teenage guys are not sure.

The day cound not have started out better this morning. I woke up and went to swim practice. Swam a lot, pushed myself, and came out energetic for the rest of the morning. After practice, Sam and I went to Starbucks to buy some caffeine and delight ourselves in our random jokes and many nuances of laughter. She cracks me up. Then I went to the stage in the morning because I suppose to have an ITS meeting, but that didn't fall through as planned. That was my fault. The day dragged on. A million thoughts surface in my mind. I really don't want to do anything.

I have to work harder on my academics. I already started my senior year in a bad way. And now, it is too late to change anything. So I have to try harder. I am scared. A part of me wants to believe that I am going to be accepted into NYU, but then this fear of not being good enough keeps overwhelming me. I have to try harder, I have to work harder, I need to be better, I need to be the best, becuase if not, I wont get in. All this work is difficult to manage, and chaotic to schedule. It'll all be okay.

I just have to keep going.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 4:22 PM

A Fight for Rights

No greater social controversy exists than the topic of homosexuality. For a strong argument does not exists to justify or condemn the people of this deep subject. What point may I be getting at? Am I being arrogant, boastful, and judgemental? No, I am not, I am actually more audacious and compassionate because I have witnessed and heard testimonies of the like.

Through my experiences with church I am aware of the word of God, written in the Bible for all to see and I am expected to live by the Word, as well as I would hope the rest of the world would live by. However, people of many ages and backgrounds all over the world do not abide by the same beliefs I follow, which causes many differences, and one of these differences is that of homosexuality. I see boys with boys and girls with girls becoming a part of society, striving for acceptance from the majority, diligent in their secrecy, lost in their lies, and losing all their mental focus on this one huge aspect of their life. An aspect that shapes who they are, how they think, and how they will live. The United States of America condemns homosexuality. A majority of the senators, the leaders, the priests, the pastors, the mothers, the fathers, the friends, the family, and anyone else who dares stands against the normal way of life, because they fear change, and they fear the change these people will bring. They stand firm in their ideology, and the homosexuals stand naked in their fight for acceptance.

The majority shames homosexuality and turns away from it, disregarding the issue. Why shouldn’t the majority turn away from it? There is no scientific textbook answer, no real reason for the way these people feel. What’s the relevance of trying to make sense of it? What’s the effort of arguing the issue? These things are all in vain, causing wasted efforts and wasted emotions. The youth of this rising generation accepts these people considering them harmless, while the older generation either tries to hide them away, telling them, “No,” or reveals them, humiliating them in front of the world. And those certain homosexuals who do not hide, are ridiculed and shamed, condemned to Hell and declared immoral, causing the youth who struggles with their sexuality to hide who they are, hurt mentally, and feel totally alone. The only alternative for them is to stand against the majority and take their ridicule and their shame. The struggle continues with politicians and public opinion. Here’s a thought: most politicians and the public do not share the hardships of a struggling homosexual.

“But the Bible declares it a sin, an act against God.” So what? Because homosexuals’ sin they should be immediately judged, slapped with a label, ignored, and sentenced to misery? Are they not brethren? Are they not allowed the same unalieable rights as an American because they are gay, they are different? Are they suddenly undeserving of life, when other men molest children or when a man blows up an entire building murdering hundreds of people, people who have lives, a life that every human being, whether they are black, white, educated, poor, rich, gay, straight, male, and or female, is entitled too?

“Hide! Leave! Die! Why do they act so different, why are they shy, and unusual? Why does that man love that man? Why are the men with men and women with women parading down the streets, asking for civil rights, causing more trouble for the world? Let them never find happiness in this world only in their own.” Suddenly, a gay priest comes forward in the Episcabal Church: “All the same, homosexuals are condemned to Hell, because it is the moral thing to do!”

You see, don’t you understand even this-homosexuals are judged by society, a right that is not our own? Remember that in the end, it is God who makes the final judgement. Their acts may be wrong, but we are wrong if we judge them. And so, not needed to accept their actions, we are able to decide if we accept them, as a person, as an individual worthy of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Thank God for our free will to decide what is right and what is wrong, especially if it is in our hearts.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 4:21 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, October 05, 2004

My foot itches. I am tired and I need some caffeine, but the chances of a good soda existing in the refridgerator is not possible. There is Pepsi, but I don't like Pepsi. It hurts my stomach. And when my stomach hurts, I shake my fist and look up the sky and scream, "WHY?" Then a get a lot of "what a freak" looks. That's okay.

I am worried about what's going to happen next as far as my future goes. Especially with my whole brother situation. He is going to come back, and the family's acceptance of him will really be tested. He'll have to follow the rules, like I do, and he'll have to work hard to get his feet on the ground. I've worked hard. I pay for things with my own money, way before I ask my parents for help. But Michael, no, he calls them whenever he's bounced a check, or his car needs repairs, or he can't pay his phone bill. He has drained my father physically and emotionally. It rips up my heart when I see my father so exhausted. And then, I ask him for help, and he still helps me. I feel so bad, but what am I suppose to do? I couldn't accomplish a lot of this stuff without him. My Mom works really hard too. And I don't give her credit for all her hard work. I am just so caught up in my own life.

Money makes things hard. Incredibly hard. Ridiculously hard, so much, that I hate it and it makes me sick. My parenst struggle with it, my dad wishes he could give the world to me, but he can't, because of money. He feels like a failure and he isn't. It just hurts, the whole situation hurts. And a lot of my friends take money for granted. Most of them haven't learned all the hard work it takes to make money and how to manage it. Insecuity is my weakness. I am scared to see my self in ten years, because of the career feild I want to go in. I find it hard to manage the little bit of money I make now.

In my heart, I don't deserve a lot of this stuff. I don't know what type of purpose is there, except that I hope it all works out. And, I thank all my friends. Ya'll are really awesome. Especially Emily.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 10:54 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Sunday, September 12, 2004

Sure. . . I want to cry. . . is that so bad? Why am I asking? Crying is not a bad thing. It's great. My heart cries all the time, chokes me up. It really does. My insides flooded from the tears caused by heart; tears that drain my entire body. Disatisfied I am with myself and the accomplishments I have acheived to this point. It seems that I have failed my smallest goals; I speak of these things secretly. A hush of leaves that are moved by the whispers of the wind. I hold myself in contemp for my lack of decency and faith. My faith is less than a mustard seed and cannot be planted. All I write about is negatively toned topics, all excuses with no point. I have no point.

I need help. I need help real bad, before I totally lose my mind.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 11:23 AM

you might think i'm happy ; Sunday, September 05, 2004

It's really early in the morning and I don't know why I am up. This messes up my entire sleeping schedule and puts me in a tough position to regain my rutuine. People are crazy. I hate my life. I want so much and I can't acheive any of it. I have to. I need to. I will.

There is an assumption to life's mysteries; a rude solid awakening. Formed from the bewilderment of this world and thrown into confusion. A soft silence sweeping the land and causing the it to melt. It washes the sand of the beaches leaving them bare. Like I am now, bare and naked; stripped of my rights and solitude. Dreaming any dream causes an uproar; taking a stand on any substance brings argument and resentment; sacrificing self humiliation for the simple passion within brings out the accusers. They point with their crooked fingers frequently.

"You understand? You understand? Let me tell you something. You don't understand! You have no idea what hell I go through. I guess you think I asked for this...well, I didn't. I don't want it. You can take your toxin and dump anywhere but here. I will not be moved!"

but i'm not going to be ok ; 4:19 AM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, August 21, 2004

I wonder if I will cry tomorrow morning. I want to. I want Zach to fall to his knees and to cry too. Because he wants too, because he needs too. That desire in his heart needs to come out and he needs to let go; as others need to let go, and as I need to let go. Letting go of what we love, the little things that we love, is hard to let go of. But, there's no other way. No in between and I struggle with that everyday of my life. I want to say that I am confused. I am. That's only when I think about purpose and that interaction between people. But when I think about God, all the memories and experiences in His security comes rolling back and nothing else is needed. I don't need anything else. Somehow, in my decisions I have fallen into the world's of other people and intertwined my life into theirs. So, unless I hurt them, I can't let go. It's not in my nature to hurt others, even if it is for my good. I am limited in my knowledge. The knowledge I know is what I use to make the decisions in my life. Despite if they are the right choices or the wrong choices.

I want my life to change tomorrow right next to Zach's life. I need to be there next to him so we can let go and live our life the way it's suppose to be lived; so we can have that security, love, and happiness that was there before we fell. Not just any love, but an unconditional love that's real, that's makes me cry because it is so incredible, that HE gave us. That's what I want. And I want it for Zach, because I love him. He is my friend, my confidant, and someone I could trust my whole life to. Things will work out for the best, because there is a purpose. In the next year, a revelation will take place. A revelation to revolutionize the roles which I play or anybody else plays. For the better.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 7:47 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Friday, August 20, 2004

It's been a while.

Things have changed a bit since the end of summer. My priorities are different for one thing. I am always home(which is the biggest change), and school has actually been good for once. Everything seems to be fine at the moment.

I miss Jennifer. She moved to her college. She calls me every now and then, but she always sounds like she is such a "college girl" with her "college guys." Today we had an argument on how we should of went out. It was funny. I miss Lisa, Kristin, and Alex.

but i'm not going to be ok ; 11:19 PM